"Are you upset, Mommy?"

Last night, I gave myself a pat on the back.  A pat on the back for parenting.  This is a rarity.  I always think that my parenting leaves much room for improvement.  

Since Brogan started potty training, he has had three nighttime accidents.  This is remarkable considering he has been diaper free at night for two months. Anyway, the first two accidents he had were traumatic for him.  It's not fun to wake up wet and when he realized it was because he peed the first time, he lost it.  Thankfully, I maintain all composure when it comes to nighttime accidents.  I am actually very sweet about them.  The first two times though, Brogan would look at me and say, "Are you upset, Mommy?"  I would assure him that I was not.  Last night, he woke up crying and saying, "Mommy, I'm wet!" I got up and made it better. After I took care of the necessities, I laid down beside him so that he would fall back to sleep.  What happened next MELTED my heart.  He looked at me, smiled sweetly and said, "I love you, my Mommy."  At that moment, I realized he did not ask me if I was upset the entire time he was awake last night.  He knew I wasn't.  He knew that when he called out to me, he would find only grace and no condemnation.  He knew I would reassure him that mistakes happen, but that he is such an amazing boy who is doing an awesome job.  He knew I would still love him.  I laid there and thanked God that my son knows that.  I also thanked God for the times that He does the same for me.  

Amazing the things God shows you after cleaning up pee at 3:30 am, isn't it? ;)

Good-Bye Ideal Me

This "mom funk" I've been in recently isn't disappearing.  At times, I think it's going away, but then it rears it's ugly head and it's all I can do to complete the day-to-day tasks without breaking down in a heap of tears.  It's been a rough few weeks, but in the midst of all of this, I've seen God's grace in amazing ways.  Several times He has gently reminded me that He sees me, hears me, and knows me.  It's remarkable really.  I've also experienced first hand how the enemy can get into my mind and wreak complete havoc...it's not pretty; it's horrible.  I have felt like a complete failure...not just a failure, but that I am really not cut out for the roles that I KNOW God has called me to have.

I know that God is telling me to lay down at His feet my ideal of the perfect mother and wife that I have conjured up in my head. He wants me to let Him show me what His ideal is of the imperfect, but godly wife and mother.  The painful  and embarrassing truth...it has been days (really more like multiple weeks) since I have picked up my Bible.  I have spent very little time in prayer (though I have made sure to pray for those that I have told I would). I have not taken time to just let God minister to me and talk to me.  What's even more painful to admit...I haven't even really wanted to. Little desire to do these things at all.

I love Jesus with all my heart and I love my husband and my children more than I can ever express, but in my attempts to try to live up to my ideal, I have forgotten to just demonstrate my love.  Demonstrating my love...that is enough.  If I let my love for God rule my life, I just know I will be amazed at the outcome.  If I focus on the love I have for my husband and children more than how I should be as a wife and a mother, I will probably excel in those areas.

Though, I am hard-headed and stubborn, God showed me grace and allowed me to read these articles today that helped me to really put everything into perspective.

The first one:

http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2013/01/dear-moms-jesus-wants-you-to-chill-out.html

Some excerpts:

Moms, Jesus wants you to chill out about being a mom. You don’t have to make homemade bread to be a faithful mom. You don’t have to sew you children’s clothing to be a faithful mom. You don’t have to coupon, buy all organic produce, keep a journal, scrapbook, plant a garden, or make your own babyfood to be a faithful mom. There’s nothing wrong with these things, but they’re also not in your biblical job description.

Moms, Jesus want you to rest in him. He wants you to chill out. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. Don’t compare yourself to other moms. Don’t try to be something God hasn’t called you to be. If the mom blogs are making you feel guilty, stop reading them. Be faithful to what he has truly called you to do, and know that he is pleased with you. When your kids are resting, don’t feel guilty about watching an episode of “Lost”, or whatever your favorite show may happen to be.

Love God, love your husband, love your kids. Keep it simple and chill out.

The second one:

http://sarahmae.com/2014/01/the-hidden-years/

Some excerpts:

These are the years I have to teach, train, influence, and disciple my babies. And once these years are gone, they’re gone. I will never get them back.

See, I don’t just want to get by in mothering; I want to mother with clarity and intention, seeking to raise Kingdom-minded children who will, Lord willing, go into the world with strength, and courage, and integrity, and faithfulness and a resolve to be light wherever God leads them. This doesn’t just happen, it takes hard work and time. And I don’t want to miss my chance.

I am 100% called to be a mom, and so I want to walk fully and faithfully into my calling. And when I do that, when I mother well (albeit quite imperfectly) I lay my head down at night and experience peace instead of regret or guilt. It is the best feeling ever. 

The first link was written in January 2013 and the other one today.  Yet, I truly feel it was by design that God had me read both today.  I felt like both women were speaking directly to me...writing directly from my heart. It was after reading the second article that it all "clicked" and clarity came.  It's time for me to relax, rest in Him and once and for all put aside my ideals.

What does this mean?  Am I giving up on my goals?  Absolutely not, but I am certainly reevaluating.  Am I giving up my desire to be the best servant I can be for Christ and the best wife and mother I can be?  No...in fact, I am getting back to the root of those desires...the desire to perform in my duties in the way that God wants me to, not in the way I think I should.  So, I'm saying goodbye to my Pinterest perfect idea of what my house should look like, how my meals should taste, or how my kids should learn.  This doesn't mean I won't get on Pinterest because I do LOVE the ideas that I have actually done...but I am going to put less pressure on myself and spend less time on there. I am going to keep FB just to post about my kiddos some (because a lot of people say they get encouragement and joy from reading about them and I do like to share about them) and to also keep up with out of town friends and family.  I am going to - for the most part - STOP reading so many mommy blogs (not personal blogs of friends that use it to provide updates in their lives).  I'm going to pare it down to a couple that I really gain encouragement and insight from and leave the others behind.  I am going to focus on teaching my children the important things in life...loving God, showing His love, serving others and being kind people with good manners.  The other stuff...the reading, writing, arithmetic...it will be dispersed some throughout the day, but not because I feel like we're competing with other children.  Life is going to look different around my house...less computer time, less comparing myself to others, and less stressing about the silly things.  In turn, there will be more love, more grace and more resting in my Father's arms.

“It is a kindness when (God) strips us of self-reliance, because it is there, in our emptiness and brokenness, that we experience the privilege of his sustaining grace. It is only when we arrive at the dreaded place of weakness that we discover the surpassing power of Christ.” - Elyse Fitzpatrick

I share all of this because maybe someone else will read this at a time that they need it and realize that they are not alone. If that's you...if you feel overwhelmed with life, please feel free to contact me so that I can keep you in my prayers (jennturner05 at gmail dot com).  No unsolicited advice will be given, no questions asked.

As I close, I just heard Jared listening to this song on his computer and it's perfect for how I am feeling right now.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY_8Pp83xww

Storms and Jesus

It is storming here this morning. Brogan just said, "Mommy, when I look at you when it 'lightens' I'm not scared."

I immediately thought about how true that is in my own life. If I look at the storms (trials) in my life, I tend to feel weak, weary and fearful. If I look towards Jesus, I feel comfort and peace and He fills me with strength to continue on.

What/who are you looking at today?

Matthew 14
29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous,[b] he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” 31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...

Give God your...Mess.

I decided to challenge myself this year by linking up with a group of ladies who are inspired by the sweet Christian author, Holley Gerth. 

The link-up is for the Coffee for Your Heart 2014 Encouragement Challenge!

 

 I found Holley through my husband.  He brought home the book, “You're Already Amazing” for me one day (he chose it himself…cue the “awwws”) and I was immediately inspired by her knowledge and her ability to make you think that you are reading the words  a friend pinned just for you.  Seriously, if you haven’t read her writing, please, do yourself a favor and do so…soon.

Anyway, I struggled with this challenge from day one (in fact, I am two days late writing the first post). (They are supposed to be every Wednesday.)  Why the struggle?  I am well aware that I am not eloquent with words.  There are times that I read an inspiring post and think, “If only I could be gifted like that!”  It probably doesn’t help that I am married to a writer.  While most of his writing these days are about sports, the man can seriously write amazing and it kind-of makes me sick. ;) Also, my blog leaves MUCH to be desired.  It's not fancy, kind-of boring.  

The biggest reason though is that I am in a HUGE funk these days.  Depressed?  Maybe.  Not severely, but sort-of...though it scares me to even admit that.  Truth is...the day in, day out of staying at home with the kids is the biggest blessing I have ever received and also the hardest job I have ever had.  I have placed so much pressure on myself to be the best mommy, wife, and housekeeper ever that I have almost given up on all duties right now because I just feel so overwhelmed.  For any moms reading this who work another job in addition to being a mother, please know that I KNOW your job is hard.  Remember, I was there…the mom who barely saw her babies during the week, who cried on the way to work because I just wanted to be with my children, who struggled with guilt when dropping off a sick but “not sick enough for the daycare to notice” child and who came to view my job as the biggest curse in my life (even though it was a blessing to have at the time).   So, now, I struggle with guilt for not being more grateful…for sometimes wishing that I had more reason to get out of the house during the day (to somewhere that’s not a play place, shopping area or library), for actually missing the" rat-race" every now and then.  Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose, even though I know my purpose is right here at home right now.   I KNOW that I am beyond blessed….crazy blessed in fact with two healthy, happy children and a hard-working, God-fearing, spoils-me-rotten husband.  Still, something has been missing. This year, I intend on finding it.  Maybe it’s inspiration.  Maybe it’s just making a few (actually obtainable) goals and working towards them.  Maybe it’s just digging my heels…or actually my stay-at-home mommy flats that I now wear…in a bit deeper and pushing through this funk.  Maybe I need a gratitude journal?  Maybe I need more time to myself?  Maybe I need to suck it up?  Maybe…it’s all of the above??? 

While I ponder these questions, I know one thing is certain.  I need more of God and I need to give him my best.  Right now, my best is a mess.  That’s OK…he doesn’t require for me to be perfect.  He doesn’t require for me to come to him with my hair in place and dressed to the nine.  He doesn't want me to wait until the house is completely quiet and I have at least 30 minutes to spend in complete devotion to Him.  He doesn't want me to come only when I have made a spiritual to-do list complete with specific goals on how I plan on reading my Bible in a year, volunteer x number of hours, etc.  He just wants me to come.   He is willing to take all of me - all the mess - and mold it into something beautiful.  So, I challenge you in 2014 to do the same.   So, as Holley asked: 

“What encouraging words do you want the people you care about to hear as they begin a new year?”

Give God your best.  Lay aside the desire to be perfect and just give him your mess. 

I am excited to see what God has planned for my mess this year!  I am also excited to hear what God has planned for you! Blessings and hugs!

Date Night and Other Ramblings

Last night we had a date night!  A "real" date night (where we actually go out) only happens once every couple of months or so, so this was a treat.  A very special treat because we didn't have to pay $10.00/hour for a babysitter...our church provided the babysitting for 2.5 hours.  They did it right too...provided pizza for the older kids and Chick-Fil-A for the younger kids (which Addi and Brogan were THRILLED about).  All the volunteers were so sweet, the kids had a great time and I tear up now thinking about what a blessing our church is to us and to so many others.

It was so funny when we got home though because it was late...like 9:30 late and Brogan decided that was the time to tell me all about his night.  I learned that he had chicken nuggets, but not french fries.  He watched Veggie Tales while he ate his nuggets.  He played a lot.  His "teacher" was a new teacher (not his regular Sunday teacher) and she made monkey faces which Brogan thought was so silly. He didn't even "cry a little."  (Sometimes he cries for like 5 seconds when we drop him off.)  He spun around the room while singing, "Oh, Happy Day."  (I'm sure the volunteers LOVED that.) :)  While listening to him, I thought about how much he is growing.  The whole time he was talking, he would laugh about everything he did.  It was so cute.  I just LOVE having conversations with my little man.  Oh, and he teacher also said that he had an internal alarm clock and every 30 minutes he would ask about me and say, "I miss my mommy."  So sweet!!

In comparison, Addi (who usually talks WAY more than Brogan) said she played and had fun.  She had chicken nuggets, chips and water.  She laid on the floor in the bathroom because she was tired.  I am REALLY hoping that last part was not true because that's just gross and weird. ;)  That was all she said about the whole thing.  When we picked her up the only other little girl in the class (there were like 6 or 7 boys so they were outnumbered) cried when it was time for Addi to leave. It was sad, but sweet too.  Addi is loved by everyone she comes in contact with. :)

Anyway, I know that all of the above is probably boring to read, but I want to remember it. :)

In other news (probably just as boring to you all)...

1.  We put our tree up on Sunday night after the kids went to bed. Brogan promptly knocked it down by 10:00 am Monday.  We no longer have any ornaments on the bottom half of the tree. That is also attributed to Brogan.  Oh, and we had this super cute little turtle ornament that we purchased at the beach the year we had our first family vacation.  He had these dangling little legs.  Brogan decided it would be fun to break the legs off, which I discovered after I sucked up the legs with the vacuum cleaner.  My son is ALL boy for sure.

2.  We bought a new plastic nativity set for the kids to play with and gave it to them on Monday.  Brogan had a vendetta against Joseph and kept throwing him. I had to threaten to remove Joseph from the scene. Now, baby Jesus is missing.  Nowhere to be found.  Had the same issue last year.  Don't know why our family keeps losing the Son of God, but Jared keeps saying, "We're the only family in America who has a nativity set without a baby Jesus."

3.  Jared has to work today, but has the next THREE Saturdays off.  That is HUGE!  We are thankful!  I have already started making plans for each Saturday.  Poor guy. ;)

There's more news, but I've hit a writing block and can't think of anything else. So, have a great weekend!! :)

Floating to Independence

Dear Addi,

Yesterday was a big day…your first time riding in a parade!  You rode with several students who take ballet lessons with your teacher, Mrs. Beth.  You LOVED being on the float and were so excited.  You thought that everyone had come to the parade to see you and you made sure not to disappoint “your” adoring fans. ;)  You waved and smiled and wanted to get up and dance (while the float was moving).   You loved being able to see the animals especially and wanted to stand by the electric snowmen on the float. 

 Life is so much fun with you.  Your enthusiasm for life is contagious! I heard so many people talk about how cute and sweet you were yesterday.  You are beautiful on the outside…absolutely adorable, but that’s not why you people notice you. They notice how beautiful you are on the inside, and it radiates all over you…you exude energy and passion for life.  You are sweet, caring, happy, loving and silly.  You are incredible!

I can’t believe that in just over 3 months you will be four-years-old!  While we were on the float, you didn’t want to sit on my lap.  You wanted to be independent.  I wanted to hold you, but I knew that you were just spreading you wings a little more.  I get that.  I want you to do that.  It stung for a second, but then I saw the joy that you had by being able to exercise just a little more independence and it was so worth it.  Even so, I was so grateful that you wanted to cuddle with me later last night when we got home.

So, spread your wings, baby girl.  Spread them as far and as wide as you must.  Your daddy and I will always be cheering you on and always watching in admiration.  And, when you are ready, we will be standing with open arms to give you hugs, encouragement, love and comfort. 

We love you and are so proud of you!  

Love, 

Mommy

Throughout the week, I will think of things that I want to write on this blog, but when I actually take the time to do it, I have nothing.  I'm pretty sure tonight's lack of topics to write about is attributed to being tired because it's almost 10:00 pm.

We are enjoying November.  Loving that we are connecting with some new friends down the street (a little girl who is 4 and her brother who is 3).  That works out great for Addi and Brogan. :)  Addi loves having a little friend so close to home, but we've had to watch her because she tries to run to her house sometimes (there are only two houses between ours). Which is one of the reasons we had to put a lock on the very top of the front door.

The Virginia Thanksgiving countdown is in full force and the kids are getting so excited to see all of our family.  I love that they love our family so much.  It's tough because when we say goodbye the kids (especially Addi) now comprehend that saying goodbye means we are driving home "far, far away."  Breaks my heart to see her get so upset.  It's tough on me too, so I get it.

 Ballet is still going great!  It was cancelled this week and I'm not going to lie, I was sort-of glad.  I am really enjoying spending time with my sweet boy during Addi's class.  It's great one on one time. :)  I can't watch Addi because when I do, she shows herself.  When I don't, she listens so well.  Crazy girl. ;)

Guess that's all I have because Jared and I are going to watch My Hope America with Billy Graham now.

Blessings to all of you for a great weekend!