This time last year...

I didn't plan on writing about this, but here I am.   A year ago today, I took a pregnancy test and was shocked and excited to see that it was positive.  I was also very scared.  The month had been crazy.  I had the flu and a sinus infection and then a stomach bug.  I was so worried something would be wrong with the baby.  Fast forward to getting towards the end of the first trimester and I FINALLY started feeling a bit better about things.  Then, BAM.  We miscarried.  Tonight, I feel another sweet baby moving inside of me while I type this.  A baby who will be joining our family in April (Lord willing).  What a difference a year makes.

As excited and thankful that I am that we are getting ready to meet this sweet baby, I still miss the little one that is in Heaven.  I miss him/her terribly.   He/she will always have a place in our family.  The kids speak openly (not frequently, thankfully) about the baby in Heaven.  They know they'll get to meet him/her one day.  I love that. I love that we will all get to meet him/her one day.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I should be sleeping...

I should be sleeping, but instead I'm going to blog about random things that are on my mind.  This, my friends, is what is on the mind of this 30 something year old, third trimester mama who is getting ready to have a child turn 5 in less than two weeks.

In no particular order:

1.  I need to finish my to do list.  As in finish actually writing out everything that I need to do before: a.) Addi's birthday party b.) the baby's grand debut.  Then, I need to finish everything on said to do lists.

2.  I need to get more sleep.  I am exhausted all the time.  The problem is that when I try to sleep, I can't get comfortable or I wake up multiple times a night.  So, I delay the process which really doesn't do me any good.

3.  I've decided I want to home school my daughter...again (this is a major flip-flop of an issue for me).   Only problem...her crazy daddy ;) doesn't agree.  He thinks it will be great for her.  I agree, but not right now.  Probably because she will be 5 in 12 days and I am very emotional about it.  FIVE.  I can't even begin to process how we got to this age already. Time stinks.  It either goes too fast or too slow...never exactly the way I want it to. ;)  As to the home schooling thing...not going to happen.  I know it's actually not ideal...still this mama wants to hang on to her little girl a little longer.  Admittedly, there are days that I wish she was in school now.  Not going to lie.

4.  We should be getting around 6" of snow tomorrow night into Thursday morning.  I DO NOT want that.  It's cold here.  It's been dreary.  I'm ready for Spring.  Considering everyone who reads this....(yes, all maybe 2 of you) gets more snow than me, I KNOW I shouldn't complain.  Oh well, I am. ;)  The only advantage is that the kids may actually get to build a snow man.  They want to so bad.  It will be worth it to see their faces...I think. ;)

5.  I use the wink ;) way too often.

6.  Thank God for Tums.  This baby better have a head full of hair with all the Tums I've had to take.  Truth:  If it doesn't have a head full of hair, I will forget I ever had heartburn as soon as I see him/her.

7.  I think we have names picked out.  Actually, maybe we don't really.  We're kind-of up in the air on a first and middle name for a girl and a middle name for the boy...so I guess we really don't have names picked out.  Ha!

There are a lot more thoughts spinning around my head, but alas, I'm tired and I think I'm going to attempt to sleep.  Here's to hoping I can get in a nice sound sleep BEFORE one of the kids wake me up. ;) (There's that wink again...I'm addicted.)

What If??

What if?

What if I actually make quiet time with God a priority?

What if I give the kids a day of nothing but playing with Mommy the entire day (excluding:  time to prepare meals and their "quiet" time...which is usually not so "quiet")?

What if I don't even look at my phone or computer screen on that day?  (Except if Jared calls, because I can't ignore my husband and if my sister calls because I talk to her every day)?

What if I silently - or maybe not silently - say a quick prayer for God to be in my response when one of the kids misbehave or when my husband says something that I perceive to be rude (which, usually isn't even rude, but I'm emotional and quick to react)?

What if I ignore my to-do list and focus only on my kids for the day (making sure to at least tidy up and cook dinner before Jared gets home)?

What if I don't rush through bedtime?

What if I make sure my husband knows that he is more important than crossing off items on my to-do list once the kids go to sleep?

I think for the next few days I am going to work hard at finding out the answers to these questions. :)

Why am I doing this?

For about a year now, life has been crazy.  It all started with the entire family getting the flu and other illnesses last February and it sort-of spiraled out of control from there.  I feel like I need a few days of refocusing on what matters.  What matters most at this very moment is reconnecting.  I pray quite a bit, but I don't devote the time I should to growing my relationship with Christ.  I often give my time half-heartedly to my children...I am present, but not fully present.  Same goes with Jared.

I will be back to report my results.  (As if anyone will actually see this). ;)

We don't co-sleep and I'm fine with that

A friend posted an article on Facebook about how important and special it is to co-sleep.  Personally, I do not have a strong opinion on co-sleeping as it pertains to other families.  If it is important for you to do that, who am I to say that you are wrong?  I am all about whatever works best for your entire family.

For my family - in this stage of our lives - it doesn't work for us.  Here's why:

1.  We have a queen size bed.  We have two kids and two adults in the house.  I am pregnant and paranoid of my belly getting accidentally kicked.  If all four of us are in the bed, it is very uncomfortable.  The ones who end up being the most uncomfortable are the adults.  My husband works hard and deserves his rest.  I deserve my rest as well.  If I don't sleep, I get grouchy.  If I am grouchy, I'm not a fun mommy.  Yes, the kids deserve their rest...even more than that, they deserve nice parents. We're just nicer when we get our sleep, but who isn't?

2.  My husband is my life partner.  I vowed to God and to him that I would be with him until death does us part.  It is my belief that I should put my husband above my children.  Sure, I spend MORE time with my kids.  Yes, my kids need me to assist them in ways my husband doesn't.  We totally believe that it is absolutely fine and absolutely necessary for each parent to spend individual time with the kids. We make this a priority. However, for those reasons and many more, we do not get a lot of time alone together.  So our bed is ours.  I refuse to sleep away from my spouse just so that I can sleep with my kids.  (Of course, there are exceptions.  If a child is sick and needs me, or scared and wants one of us to sleep with them for a little while, we  do not hesitate.  On most nights, at least one child will crawl into our bed when they wake up.  Usually, we let them fall back to sleep in our bed and then carry them back to their own bed.)  It works for us.

3.  I think it's OK for kids to be alone with their thoughts.  There are going to be times in their lives when they will be all alone and I want them to not fear that.  I want them to embrace those moments and relish in the quiet just as much as I want them to embrace life and cherish the time spent with others. To be clear, my kids are 3 1/2 and almost 5...I am not talking about infants and small children...I don't feel the need to share my thoughts about that stage of life at this time. ;)

Now, I am NOT a parenting expert.  I don't have all the answers. I have made my fair share of mistakes along this journey already and know that I will continue to do so.  I know there will be one day when I look back at this time and regret how fast time went (considering I have heard from 5,892 parents how fast this time goes, I'm pretty sure that everyone has that regret.) However, I don't need another article telling me why it's so important to do something a certain way and how horrible it will be when this stage is gone.

Disclaimer:  I know I could be accused of doing just that in this post.  However, I am sure that there are only 3-5 people who even read this blog at all. I am not trying to convince anyone to do anything differently.  Instead, I am a hormonal mama who just wanted to get "my side" off my chest. ;)  If you do co-sleep, you are awesome.  If you don't co-sleep, you are awesome.  We are all just doing what we feel is best.  Every family, every child is different.  I TOTALLY understand that.  There is NO judgement here.  So, keep up the good work, Mama...however you choose to parent.

The end. ;)

Waiting

This is torture.

I am pregnant.

The pregnancy is not torture.  In fact, I welcome every single moment of nausea (which happens to still be very active at 22 weeks of pregnancy) and twinge of discomfort.  It helps me to know things are OK.

The tortuous part is the wait.  This is so different than when I had Addi and Brogan.  Waiting to finally hold every sweet baby has always been a bit difficult, but not like this.  I have not gone one day in this pregnancy without worrying that my body may be destroying the sweet one inside of me.  All signs point to a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Still, I worry.  I feel movement multiple times a day.  Still, I worry.  I know that God's perfect will shall be accomplished.  Still, I worry.

What if?  What if His will is not mine?

I know I need to trust Him.  I DO trust Him.  I just also know that His plan doesn't always include joy without sorrow.  

Yet, in this waiting, I've learned that it's OK.  It's OK to be afraid.  As long as I bring my fears to Him.  It's OK to wonder.  As long as I bring my questions to Him.  It's OK to not know how it will end.  As long as I know that God writes endings that are far better than we can imagine.
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My Christmas present to myself this year is to stop feeling inadequate because I worry and question and think of the "what ifs?"  Instead, I'm going to continue to daily surrender to God and wait on Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25New King James Version (NKJV)

21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Do you ever struggle with trusting God?  I do.  Then, I feel guilty.

Why should I not trust him?  His record is perfect.  There are certainly situations in my life that I wish had different outcomes, prayers that were answered with a "no" instead of a "yes," and heartaches that God has allowed.  Yet, His perfect will is just that...perfect. I will never know why or entirely grasp why some things in life didn't work out the way I thought they should, but I have come to the place of knowing that it is OK that I don't have the answers.  I am also OK with never having the answers.  Reality is, I doubt that when I get to heaven and see Jesus face to face that I will be to concerned with knowing exactly why He did something that I didn't like here on earth.  This I know...I want nothing more and nothing less than to live in God's will.

So, why do I doubt Him?  Why do I brace myself for the worst possible scenario?  Why do I spend several sleepless hours a night at times in worry?  Why do I get frustrated when things don't go my way?  Why do I fear?  My only answer...I am human.  I am in a constant battle with my flesh.  Our pastor worded it so wisely this morning in a sermon, "I am the temple of the Holy Spirit...but there is a terrorist in the temple called sin."  That statement hits the nail on the head...I am in a constant battle with myself:  the part of me that longs to dwell in His presence and the part of me that wants to have my wants met when I want them.

The past few weeks, have been a struggle.  I have allowed worry to almost overtake my mind at times. I am scared of an unknown outcome.  Worried of what I may miss out on.  Fearful of experiencing more pain.  I was beating myself up about it.  I felt like an utter failure in allowing myself to succumb to such thoughts.  Then, a sweet lady reminded me of a man in Mark 9.  His son was sick (plagued with demons). He took the son to Jesus' disciples and asked for them to heal him.  They couldn't do it.  Along came Jesus.  The man looked at him and said, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief."  Then, Jesus healed his son.

Jesus healed his son even though he didn't fully believe.  The man believed in Jesus Christ, yet he acknowledged that he still had unbelief.  He acknowledged that believing is sometimes hard.  The difficulty is not believing that Jesus is who He says He is, but believing that He will do what is best.  Or maybe it's more in believing that what is His best is not what I will want.  So, this has been the prayer that I have uttered countless times in the last few days..."Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.  Capture my thoughts before they become full-fledged fears.  Help me to trust You in ALL things.  It's easy to trust You when all is going well or when everything is so bad that I feel that is my only option.  It's difficult for me to trust you when I am waiting and wondering.  So, help me in the waiting.  Help me in the wondering.  One thing I know is this...Your ways are higher than my ways.  I desire nothing more than Your perfect will to be done."  

I would be lying if I said that when I pray that prayer that my fears go completely away. They don't.  Yet, I see God working.  I feel Him settling my soul.  I am looking at the situation that has been worrying me with new eyes.   Just as James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."  I feel Him in my life and that, my friends, is a good feeling.

Grief, Grief...Go away!

 **Some of what I say in this may have already been said.  I don't really feel like going back to read any of my posts right now, so, oh well. ;)

There are times I think about writing on this blog...not just about the miscarriage, but also about good things.  Really good things.  Like Brogan's cute face tonight that had dirt all over it as he was giggling about wanting to put a pie in Jared's face sometime (he has been obsessed about "pies in the face" since Vacation Bible School). ;)  Good things like Addi's attitude taking a HUGE shift for the better and how amazingly sweet and helpful she has been recently. And, other good things. 

It kind-of stinks because even in the midst of all the good things...my grief remains.  It doesn't always yell a "Hey! Don't forget about me."  Sometimes, it's quiet.  Almost like it's not even there and then, bam...I see a family with three kids, or a pregnant woman, or a baby.  Or it hits me - like it did today - that so much time has passed (11 weeks since we learned we miscarried) and yet, I should still be pregnant.  Still be pregnant.  It hurts...so terribly bad.

I feel stuck.  Stuck  somewhere in between a place of wanting to just forget all about this ordeal and move on with life the way it was before and never wanting to forget this pain so that God can use me to somehow help others who will face this tragedy...and of course, so that my baby's death will not be wasted.  And, that's what it feels like...my baby...his life...wasted. Yet, he is the one who is really living.  He never knew any amount of pain, or fear, or sadness...only comfort and joy as he looks at our amazing Savior.

There are moments that I find myself mad at God for allowing this to happen.  Sometimes, I think He is cruel for giving us a dream of this child and then taking it away.  Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to Him.  Sometimes, I don't even know what to say.  Sometimes, I think His timing really stinks.  Then, I remember.  I remember how I gave birth to Addi 363 days after a doctor said I would probably never get pregnant.  I remember how scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brogan because Addi was only 6.5 months when we found out...yet, it all worked out and I cannot imagine it any other way. Addi and Brogan are an amazing duo...best friends.  I remember how I longed to be able to stay at home with my babies and He made it happen.  I don't have to look to far back to remember God's Hand at work in the details of the miscarriage.

So, I cling to Him.  I am so thankful that He can handle all of my crazy emotions and still be here for Me.  That's what I need to remember.  He is here.  Right here.  When the air is thick with His presence...He is here.  When - in my humanness - I wonder if He cares...He is here. 

For that, I'm so grateful!!