I Must Confess...

Brogan will be 21 months old on the 27th of this month.  I am lucky if he sleeps through the night more than 5 nights out of the month.  There is a part of me (at times) that loves getting up with my sweet boy and spending precious moments with him in the quiet and stillness of the night.  There are other times that I could cry because reality is that this mama is T-I-R-E-D.  It is almost 2:00 am and I am up with my little guy who is currently blabbering to his toys about trains going choo-choo.  It is cute.  He is cute.  Not sleeping is not cute.  I have not slept since 5:15 this morning.  I am grouchy.  If I put him in his crib, he screams.  Addi's room is right beside his and if I allow him to scream, he will wake her up.    If I put him in bed with Jared and me, he just decides to jump on the bed or hit Jared on the head.  The jumping is cute.  Hitting Jared on the head is cute (though I think Jared may disagree).  Since Jared works during the day, here I sit...typing.  I would hold my little man who is wide awake, but he doesn't want to be held.  He just wants to roam around.

I am tired, cranky and slightly annoyed that my sweet boy does not want to sleep...ever.  I have tried different methods.  I hate the cry-it-out method.  Detest it.  Did it some with Addi and Brogan both, but always felt guilty.  The theory makes sense, but hearing your child scream is not fun.  My children do not scream quietly...they scream really loud (thank God for good lungs!).  It rips my heart out to hear them scream.  We don't do co-sleeping either.  Not really for it, not really against it.  It didn't work out well for us because our children (at very early ages) loved to kick, jump, roll over 20 times, etc and hit Jared on the head (as I already mentioned...they both think that's fun in the bed...maybe because Jared wrestles with them???).

Part of Brogan's lack of sleep tonight might be that he is on steroids for croup.  Croup he got from a play date.  A mom conveniently "forgot" to mention that her child was sick before we got together. So I inadvertently exposed my children (Addi, who has recently recovered from pneumonia and Brogan, who was healthy as of two days ago).  I could punch that mom right now...mainly because I cannot stand to see my babies sick and also because I WANT to sleep.  I am not a violent person, but if Addi gets sick, too and if I don't sleep at all tonight....I may REALLY want to punch that mom.  The thought of this exhausted mommy hitting another mother just literally made me laugh out loud.  I think I am delirious. ;)  OK...not really, but hey, it's now after 2:00 so I feel I can write whatever I want.  I pity all of you who read this post.

I am now going to play the song below for Brogan for the 10th time tonight and hope this helps him get to sleep. I love that this is his favorite song and that the only version he wants to listen to is the extended version that our church does.  He knows every word to this song.  Pretty impressive for a one-year-old. :)  I also hope it helps with my attitude.  I shouldn't want to hit others (that would not be very Christ-like and would certainly take me out of the running for mommy of the year).  I shouldn't be annoyed because Brogan won't sleep.  I will miss this age, this phase when he is in college.  I will want these sweet moments back.  I also find some solace in knowing that one day - when he and his wife are taking care of me - I will get my payback.  I will scream out for him at all times of the night and I will make him stay up with me.  I will run around the living room yelling "choo-choo" and saying, "I want to sing Our God is Awesome!"...just like Brogan is doing at this very moment.  Thank you, God, for my adorable children.  You truly are AWESOME!!