One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 139. Since the miscarriage, I haven't been able to read it without feeling a bit aggravated. The part that aggravates me?
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
It was tough to read those words and not wonder why God had not allowed my sweet baby to be completely knitted together, to be made in the secret place, woven together. Oh, how my heart hurts thinking of how that didn't happen.
Tonight, our church had a prayer service and while we were praying, I opened my Bible to that Psalm. When I read the words, I felt like God revealed something to me at that moment. My baby - the one I miss with every ounce of my being - was knitted together and completely formed and fashioned perfectly by God. That baby is more whole than anyone reading this is because he (or so we think and frankly, I'm tired of saying him or her) is able to look at Jesus daily and "behold the beauty of the Lord" - Psalm 27:4.
I was able to thank God (for the first time) for sparing our child from an insurmountable amount of pain that may have come his way if he was born with a major defect that would have caused him to not be able to live outside the womb. While my arms long to hold him, my heart finds comfort in knowing that he is in the best place ever...and one day, I will get to be with him...gazing into the eyes of our Creator...the One who perfectly created us both.
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