We don't co-sleep and I'm fine with that

A friend posted an article on Facebook about how important and special it is to co-sleep.  Personally, I do not have a strong opinion on co-sleeping as it pertains to other families.  If it is important for you to do that, who am I to say that you are wrong?  I am all about whatever works best for your entire family.

For my family - in this stage of our lives - it doesn't work for us.  Here's why:

1.  We have a queen size bed.  We have two kids and two adults in the house.  I am pregnant and paranoid of my belly getting accidentally kicked.  If all four of us are in the bed, it is very uncomfortable.  The ones who end up being the most uncomfortable are the adults.  My husband works hard and deserves his rest.  I deserve my rest as well.  If I don't sleep, I get grouchy.  If I am grouchy, I'm not a fun mommy.  Yes, the kids deserve their rest...even more than that, they deserve nice parents. We're just nicer when we get our sleep, but who isn't?

2.  My husband is my life partner.  I vowed to God and to him that I would be with him until death does us part.  It is my belief that I should put my husband above my children.  Sure, I spend MORE time with my kids.  Yes, my kids need me to assist them in ways my husband doesn't.  We totally believe that it is absolutely fine and absolutely necessary for each parent to spend individual time with the kids. We make this a priority. However, for those reasons and many more, we do not get a lot of time alone together.  So our bed is ours.  I refuse to sleep away from my spouse just so that I can sleep with my kids.  (Of course, there are exceptions.  If a child is sick and needs me, or scared and wants one of us to sleep with them for a little while, we  do not hesitate.  On most nights, at least one child will crawl into our bed when they wake up.  Usually, we let them fall back to sleep in our bed and then carry them back to their own bed.)  It works for us.

3.  I think it's OK for kids to be alone with their thoughts.  There are going to be times in their lives when they will be all alone and I want them to not fear that.  I want them to embrace those moments and relish in the quiet just as much as I want them to embrace life and cherish the time spent with others. To be clear, my kids are 3 1/2 and almost 5...I am not talking about infants and small children...I don't feel the need to share my thoughts about that stage of life at this time. ;)

Now, I am NOT a parenting expert.  I don't have all the answers. I have made my fair share of mistakes along this journey already and know that I will continue to do so.  I know there will be one day when I look back at this time and regret how fast time went (considering I have heard from 5,892 parents how fast this time goes, I'm pretty sure that everyone has that regret.) However, I don't need another article telling me why it's so important to do something a certain way and how horrible it will be when this stage is gone.

Disclaimer:  I know I could be accused of doing just that in this post.  However, I am sure that there are only 3-5 people who even read this blog at all. I am not trying to convince anyone to do anything differently.  Instead, I am a hormonal mama who just wanted to get "my side" off my chest. ;)  If you do co-sleep, you are awesome.  If you don't co-sleep, you are awesome.  We are all just doing what we feel is best.  Every family, every child is different.  I TOTALLY understand that.  There is NO judgement here.  So, keep up the good work, Mama...however you choose to parent.

The end. ;)

Waiting

This is torture.

I am pregnant.

The pregnancy is not torture.  In fact, I welcome every single moment of nausea (which happens to still be very active at 22 weeks of pregnancy) and twinge of discomfort.  It helps me to know things are OK.

The tortuous part is the wait.  This is so different than when I had Addi and Brogan.  Waiting to finally hold every sweet baby has always been a bit difficult, but not like this.  I have not gone one day in this pregnancy without worrying that my body may be destroying the sweet one inside of me.  All signs point to a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Still, I worry.  I feel movement multiple times a day.  Still, I worry.  I know that God's perfect will shall be accomplished.  Still, I worry.

What if?  What if His will is not mine?

I know I need to trust Him.  I DO trust Him.  I just also know that His plan doesn't always include joy without sorrow.  

Yet, in this waiting, I've learned that it's OK.  It's OK to be afraid.  As long as I bring my fears to Him.  It's OK to wonder.  As long as I bring my questions to Him.  It's OK to not know how it will end.  As long as I know that God writes endings that are far better than we can imagine.
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My Christmas present to myself this year is to stop feeling inadequate because I worry and question and think of the "what ifs?"  Instead, I'm going to continue to daily surrender to God and wait on Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25New King James Version (NKJV)

21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Do you ever struggle with trusting God?  I do.  Then, I feel guilty.

Why should I not trust him?  His record is perfect.  There are certainly situations in my life that I wish had different outcomes, prayers that were answered with a "no" instead of a "yes," and heartaches that God has allowed.  Yet, His perfect will is just that...perfect. I will never know why or entirely grasp why some things in life didn't work out the way I thought they should, but I have come to the place of knowing that it is OK that I don't have the answers.  I am also OK with never having the answers.  Reality is, I doubt that when I get to heaven and see Jesus face to face that I will be to concerned with knowing exactly why He did something that I didn't like here on earth.  This I know...I want nothing more and nothing less than to live in God's will.

So, why do I doubt Him?  Why do I brace myself for the worst possible scenario?  Why do I spend several sleepless hours a night at times in worry?  Why do I get frustrated when things don't go my way?  Why do I fear?  My only answer...I am human.  I am in a constant battle with my flesh.  Our pastor worded it so wisely this morning in a sermon, "I am the temple of the Holy Spirit...but there is a terrorist in the temple called sin."  That statement hits the nail on the head...I am in a constant battle with myself:  the part of me that longs to dwell in His presence and the part of me that wants to have my wants met when I want them.

The past few weeks, have been a struggle.  I have allowed worry to almost overtake my mind at times. I am scared of an unknown outcome.  Worried of what I may miss out on.  Fearful of experiencing more pain.  I was beating myself up about it.  I felt like an utter failure in allowing myself to succumb to such thoughts.  Then, a sweet lady reminded me of a man in Mark 9.  His son was sick (plagued with demons). He took the son to Jesus' disciples and asked for them to heal him.  They couldn't do it.  Along came Jesus.  The man looked at him and said, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief."  Then, Jesus healed his son.

Jesus healed his son even though he didn't fully believe.  The man believed in Jesus Christ, yet he acknowledged that he still had unbelief.  He acknowledged that believing is sometimes hard.  The difficulty is not believing that Jesus is who He says He is, but believing that He will do what is best.  Or maybe it's more in believing that what is His best is not what I will want.  So, this has been the prayer that I have uttered countless times in the last few days..."Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.  Capture my thoughts before they become full-fledged fears.  Help me to trust You in ALL things.  It's easy to trust You when all is going well or when everything is so bad that I feel that is my only option.  It's difficult for me to trust you when I am waiting and wondering.  So, help me in the waiting.  Help me in the wondering.  One thing I know is this...Your ways are higher than my ways.  I desire nothing more than Your perfect will to be done."  

I would be lying if I said that when I pray that prayer that my fears go completely away. They don't.  Yet, I see God working.  I feel Him settling my soul.  I am looking at the situation that has been worrying me with new eyes.   Just as James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."  I feel Him in my life and that, my friends, is a good feeling.

Grief, Grief...Go away!

 **Some of what I say in this may have already been said.  I don't really feel like going back to read any of my posts right now, so, oh well. ;)

There are times I think about writing on this blog...not just about the miscarriage, but also about good things.  Really good things.  Like Brogan's cute face tonight that had dirt all over it as he was giggling about wanting to put a pie in Jared's face sometime (he has been obsessed about "pies in the face" since Vacation Bible School). ;)  Good things like Addi's attitude taking a HUGE shift for the better and how amazingly sweet and helpful she has been recently. And, other good things. 

It kind-of stinks because even in the midst of all the good things...my grief remains.  It doesn't always yell a "Hey! Don't forget about me."  Sometimes, it's quiet.  Almost like it's not even there and then, bam...I see a family with three kids, or a pregnant woman, or a baby.  Or it hits me - like it did today - that so much time has passed (11 weeks since we learned we miscarried) and yet, I should still be pregnant.  Still be pregnant.  It hurts...so terribly bad.

I feel stuck.  Stuck  somewhere in between a place of wanting to just forget all about this ordeal and move on with life the way it was before and never wanting to forget this pain so that God can use me to somehow help others who will face this tragedy...and of course, so that my baby's death will not be wasted.  And, that's what it feels like...my baby...his life...wasted. Yet, he is the one who is really living.  He never knew any amount of pain, or fear, or sadness...only comfort and joy as he looks at our amazing Savior.

There are moments that I find myself mad at God for allowing this to happen.  Sometimes, I think He is cruel for giving us a dream of this child and then taking it away.  Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to Him.  Sometimes, I don't even know what to say.  Sometimes, I think His timing really stinks.  Then, I remember.  I remember how I gave birth to Addi 363 days after a doctor said I would probably never get pregnant.  I remember how scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brogan because Addi was only 6.5 months when we found out...yet, it all worked out and I cannot imagine it any other way. Addi and Brogan are an amazing duo...best friends.  I remember how I longed to be able to stay at home with my babies and He made it happen.  I don't have to look to far back to remember God's Hand at work in the details of the miscarriage.

So, I cling to Him.  I am so thankful that He can handle all of my crazy emotions and still be here for Me.  That's what I need to remember.  He is here.  Right here.  When the air is thick with His presence...He is here.  When - in my humanness - I wonder if He cares...He is here. 

For that, I'm so grateful!!

It is Well....

I saw a sign that said, "It is well with my soul" at Hobby Lobby today and almost broke down.  Right there...in the middle of the store. 

That song has such special meaning to me.  When my water broke while naturally miscarrying, I lost it.  The reality of what was happening pretty much felt like a slap in the face at that moment and I started screaming out in rage and throwing things.  I said some mean things to God.  Things I'm not proud of. I accused Him of stealing my baby...the baby He created (even though I've always been well aware that our children are just on loan from Him).  I told Him that what He was doing was ridiculous.  I begged Him to change His mind and stop everything. God - who is so gracious and merciful - literally met me in my deepest despair and I suddenly had such peace that I started singing this song.  I didn't even know all the words, so I pulled the lyrics up on my phone.  I found such comfort while singing each verse. Jared and I sat down and listened to it on the computer while tears streamed down my face.  It was such a raw, emotional, yet, beautiful moment.  I will NEVER forget it.  I had began delivering the corpse of my baby and was in extreme physical and emotional distress, yet, I had Hope.  I knew that in the end everything would be OK. I still cling to that Hope daily...waiting for His plan to be revealed. 

Is it really well with my soul?  Yes.  It is well because I have a Savior who loves me.  He meets me where I am...whether it's the lowest of lows or the highest of highs.  He intercedes for me when I don't have the words to pray.  He places my tears in a bottle.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  He has ordered my steps.  He is victorious, therefore, I am victorious.  I do not pretend to understand His ways; He doesn't make any sense.  Yet, I know that His plan is far better than mine.  I know that because I have seen the way He has worked before. 

I didn't break down in Hobby Lobby.  I bought the sign and promptly cried as soon as I got in the car.  The crying was more joyful than sorrowful...thankful for my God; thankful that He cares; thankful that it really is well with my soul.

You created my inmost being...

One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 139.  Since the miscarriage, I haven't been able to read it without feeling a bit aggravated.  The part that aggravates me?

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

It was tough to read those words and not wonder why God had not allowed my sweet baby to be completely knitted together, to be made in the secret place, woven together.  Oh, how my heart hurts thinking of how that didn't happen.

Tonight, our church had a prayer service and while we were praying, I opened my Bible to that Psalm. When I read the words, I felt like God revealed something to me at that moment.  My baby - the one I miss with every ounce of my being - was knitted together and completely formed and fashioned perfectly by God.  That baby is more whole than anyone reading this is because he (or so we think and frankly, I'm tired of saying him or her) is able to look at Jesus daily and "behold the beauty of the Lord" - Psalm 27:4. 

I was able to thank God (for the first time) for sparing our child from an insurmountable amount of pain that may have come his way if he was born with a major defect that would have caused him to not be able to live outside the womb.  While my arms long to hold him, my heart finds comfort in knowing that he is in the best place ever...and one day, I will get to be with him...gazing into the eyes of our Creator...the One who perfectly created us both.

Just Being Real (even if my words/thoughts are jumbled)

We were pregnant and now we're not.  Actually, I still am technically pregnant as we wait to see if my body will naturally do what it should or if I will need a D&C. We are heartbroken and grieving in a way that we never have before.  We were so excited about this sweet baby and I am angry at times that our child was only allowed to live inside of my womb for 12 weeks. We saw the baby moving the week before.  We saw its beautiful profile the next week with no movement and no heartbeat.  We told our kids they were going to have a little brother or sister...they have kissed and hugged "the baby in mommy's belly" multiple times throughout the last few weeks.  We gave God the glory in how we announced our addition on  Facebook....8 days later, we still gave God the glory in how we announced the death.  We give God the glory regardless because He deserves it...even when we are kind-of mad.  It is all so painful.

Yet, God is so good.  We have seen His hands in the smallest details of this situation.  We know He is so  faithful.  We know that He has a reason this happened.   We don't like it.  We don't think it makes sense.  We have wondered why this has happened.  We have never wondered, "Why us?" though.  Bad things happen every single day and we are no less or more deserving of them happening to us than anyone else.

So we grieve.  I have cried buckets of tears and am just anxious for the body of the baby to be out of me so I can start healing physically and emotionally.  Truthfully, I'm also not excited for the body to be out of me because then it will be real forever.  Done. Over. NO chance of God breathing life back into the baby's body.  Even though I know it's already over.  Our baby is in Heaven.  I will hold him/her one day.  I truly believe that with all my heart.  Still it's hard.

People have been amazing.  We have received so much support:  Facebook comments, private messages, texts and calls.  Our church family loved on us so well yesterday.  We are amazed.  One thing though (which ironically was only said by the sweet on-call doctor who was actually very gracious and I couldn't have asked for her to be any sweeter)...when someone loses a baby and have other children, never say, "Well, you're fortunate that you have two (or whatever number) children."  Yes, we are so BLESSED to have our amazing Addi and Brogan.  That doesn't mean we wanted this baby any less.  We had started to allow ourselves to dream about this baby's future too.  I had started looking at myself as a mom of three, not two.

My heart hurts.  I know this is not the worse situation in the world.  I know it could be so much worse.  Still, this situation, this moment in time sucks for us.