We were pregnant and now we're not. Actually, I still am technically pregnant as we wait to see if my body will naturally do what it should or if I will need a D&C. We are heartbroken and grieving in a way that we never have before. We were so excited about this sweet baby and I am angry at times that our child was only allowed to live inside of my womb for 12 weeks. We saw the baby moving the week before. We saw its beautiful profile the next week with no movement and no heartbeat. We told our kids they were going to have a little brother or sister...they have kissed and hugged "the baby in mommy's belly" multiple times throughout the last few weeks. We gave God the glory in how we announced our addition on Facebook....8 days later, we still gave God the glory in how we announced the death. We give God the glory regardless because He deserves it...even when we are kind-of mad. It is all so painful.
Yet, God is so good. We have seen His hands in the smallest details of this situation. We know He is so faithful. We know that He has a reason this happened. We don't like it. We don't think it makes sense. We have wondered why this has happened. We have never wondered, "Why us?" though. Bad things happen every single day and we are no less or more deserving of them happening to us than anyone else.
So we grieve. I have cried buckets of tears and am just anxious for the body of the baby to be out of me so I can start healing physically and emotionally. Truthfully, I'm also not excited for the body to be out of me because then it will be real forever. Done. Over. NO chance of God breathing life back into the baby's body. Even though I know it's already over. Our baby is in Heaven. I will hold him/her one day. I truly believe that with all my heart. Still it's hard.
People have been amazing. We have received so much support: Facebook comments, private messages, texts and calls. Our church family loved on us so well yesterday. We are amazed. One thing though (which ironically was only said by the sweet on-call doctor who was actually very gracious and I couldn't have asked for her to be any sweeter)...when someone loses a baby and have other children, never say, "Well, you're fortunate that you have two (or whatever number) children." Yes, we are so BLESSED to have our amazing Addi and Brogan. That doesn't mean we wanted this baby any less. We had started to allow ourselves to dream about this baby's future too. I had started looking at myself as a mom of three, not two.
My heart hurts. I know this is not the worse situation in the world. I know it could be so much worse. Still, this situation, this moment in time sucks for us.
