Why should I not trust him? His record is perfect. There are certainly situations in my life that I wish had different outcomes, prayers that were answered with a "no" instead of a "yes," and heartaches that God has allowed. Yet, His perfect will is just that...perfect. I will never know why or entirely grasp why some things in life didn't work out the way I thought they should, but I have come to the place of knowing that it is OK that I don't have the answers. I am also OK with never having the answers. Reality is, I doubt that when I get to heaven and see Jesus face to face that I will be to concerned with knowing exactly why He did something that I didn't like here on earth. This I know...I want nothing more and nothing less than to live in God's will.
So, why do I doubt Him? Why do I brace myself for the worst possible scenario? Why do I spend several sleepless hours a night at times in worry? Why do I get frustrated when things don't go my way? Why do I fear? My only answer...I am human. I am in a constant battle with my flesh. Our pastor worded it so wisely this morning in a sermon, "I am the temple of the Holy Spirit...but there is a terrorist in the temple called sin." That statement hits the nail on the head...I am in a constant battle with myself: the part of me that longs to dwell in His presence and the part of me that wants to have my wants met when I want them.
The past few weeks, have been a struggle. I have allowed worry to almost overtake my mind at times. I am scared of an unknown outcome. Worried of what I may miss out on. Fearful of experiencing more pain. I was beating myself up about it. I felt like an utter failure in allowing myself to succumb to such thoughts. Then, a sweet lady reminded me of a man in Mark 9. His son was sick (plagued with demons). He took the son to Jesus' disciples and asked for them to heal him. They couldn't do it. Along came Jesus. The man looked at him and said, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief." Then, Jesus healed his son.
Jesus healed his son even though he didn't fully believe. The man believed in Jesus Christ, yet he acknowledged that he still had unbelief. He acknowledged that believing is sometimes hard. The difficulty is not believing that Jesus is who He says He is, but believing that He will do what is best. Or maybe it's more in believing that what is His best is not what I will want. So, this has been the prayer that I have uttered countless times in the last few days..."Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. Capture my thoughts before they become full-fledged fears. Help me to trust You in ALL things. It's easy to trust You when all is going well or when everything is so bad that I feel that is my only option. It's difficult for me to trust you when I am waiting and wondering. So, help me in the waiting. Help me in the wondering. One thing I know is this...Your ways are higher than my ways. I desire nothing more than Your perfect will to be done."
I would be lying if I said that when I pray that prayer that my fears go completely away. They don't. Yet, I see God working. I feel Him settling my soul. I am looking at the situation that has been worrying me with new eyes. Just as James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." I feel Him in my life and that, my friends, is a good feeling.
