Waiting

This is torture.

I am pregnant.

The pregnancy is not torture.  In fact, I welcome every single moment of nausea (which happens to still be very active at 22 weeks of pregnancy) and twinge of discomfort.  It helps me to know things are OK.

The tortuous part is the wait.  This is so different than when I had Addi and Brogan.  Waiting to finally hold every sweet baby has always been a bit difficult, but not like this.  I have not gone one day in this pregnancy without worrying that my body may be destroying the sweet one inside of me.  All signs point to a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Still, I worry.  I feel movement multiple times a day.  Still, I worry.  I know that God's perfect will shall be accomplished.  Still, I worry.

What if?  What if His will is not mine?

I know I need to trust Him.  I DO trust Him.  I just also know that His plan doesn't always include joy without sorrow.  

Yet, in this waiting, I've learned that it's OK.  It's OK to be afraid.  As long as I bring my fears to Him.  It's OK to wonder.  As long as I bring my questions to Him.  It's OK to not know how it will end.  As long as I know that God writes endings that are far better than we can imagine.
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My Christmas present to myself this year is to stop feeling inadequate because I worry and question and think of the "what ifs?"  Instead, I'm going to continue to daily surrender to God and wait on Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25New King James Version (NKJV)

21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.