Good-Bye Ideal Me

This "mom funk" I've been in recently isn't disappearing.  At times, I think it's going away, but then it rears it's ugly head and it's all I can do to complete the day-to-day tasks without breaking down in a heap of tears.  It's been a rough few weeks, but in the midst of all of this, I've seen God's grace in amazing ways.  Several times He has gently reminded me that He sees me, hears me, and knows me.  It's remarkable really.  I've also experienced first hand how the enemy can get into my mind and wreak complete havoc...it's not pretty; it's horrible.  I have felt like a complete failure...not just a failure, but that I am really not cut out for the roles that I KNOW God has called me to have.

I know that God is telling me to lay down at His feet my ideal of the perfect mother and wife that I have conjured up in my head. He wants me to let Him show me what His ideal is of the imperfect, but godly wife and mother.  The painful  and embarrassing truth...it has been days (really more like multiple weeks) since I have picked up my Bible.  I have spent very little time in prayer (though I have made sure to pray for those that I have told I would). I have not taken time to just let God minister to me and talk to me.  What's even more painful to admit...I haven't even really wanted to. Little desire to do these things at all.

I love Jesus with all my heart and I love my husband and my children more than I can ever express, but in my attempts to try to live up to my ideal, I have forgotten to just demonstrate my love.  Demonstrating my love...that is enough.  If I let my love for God rule my life, I just know I will be amazed at the outcome.  If I focus on the love I have for my husband and children more than how I should be as a wife and a mother, I will probably excel in those areas.

Though, I am hard-headed and stubborn, God showed me grace and allowed me to read these articles today that helped me to really put everything into perspective.

The first one:

http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2013/01/dear-moms-jesus-wants-you-to-chill-out.html

Some excerpts:

Moms, Jesus wants you to chill out about being a mom. You don’t have to make homemade bread to be a faithful mom. You don’t have to sew you children’s clothing to be a faithful mom. You don’t have to coupon, buy all organic produce, keep a journal, scrapbook, plant a garden, or make your own babyfood to be a faithful mom. There’s nothing wrong with these things, but they’re also not in your biblical job description.

Moms, Jesus want you to rest in him. He wants you to chill out. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. Don’t compare yourself to other moms. Don’t try to be something God hasn’t called you to be. If the mom blogs are making you feel guilty, stop reading them. Be faithful to what he has truly called you to do, and know that he is pleased with you. When your kids are resting, don’t feel guilty about watching an episode of “Lost”, or whatever your favorite show may happen to be.

Love God, love your husband, love your kids. Keep it simple and chill out.

The second one:

http://sarahmae.com/2014/01/the-hidden-years/

Some excerpts:

These are the years I have to teach, train, influence, and disciple my babies. And once these years are gone, they’re gone. I will never get them back.

See, I don’t just want to get by in mothering; I want to mother with clarity and intention, seeking to raise Kingdom-minded children who will, Lord willing, go into the world with strength, and courage, and integrity, and faithfulness and a resolve to be light wherever God leads them. This doesn’t just happen, it takes hard work and time. And I don’t want to miss my chance.

I am 100% called to be a mom, and so I want to walk fully and faithfully into my calling. And when I do that, when I mother well (albeit quite imperfectly) I lay my head down at night and experience peace instead of regret or guilt. It is the best feeling ever. 

The first link was written in January 2013 and the other one today.  Yet, I truly feel it was by design that God had me read both today.  I felt like both women were speaking directly to me...writing directly from my heart. It was after reading the second article that it all "clicked" and clarity came.  It's time for me to relax, rest in Him and once and for all put aside my ideals.

What does this mean?  Am I giving up on my goals?  Absolutely not, but I am certainly reevaluating.  Am I giving up my desire to be the best servant I can be for Christ and the best wife and mother I can be?  No...in fact, I am getting back to the root of those desires...the desire to perform in my duties in the way that God wants me to, not in the way I think I should.  So, I'm saying goodbye to my Pinterest perfect idea of what my house should look like, how my meals should taste, or how my kids should learn.  This doesn't mean I won't get on Pinterest because I do LOVE the ideas that I have actually done...but I am going to put less pressure on myself and spend less time on there. I am going to keep FB just to post about my kiddos some (because a lot of people say they get encouragement and joy from reading about them and I do like to share about them) and to also keep up with out of town friends and family.  I am going to - for the most part - STOP reading so many mommy blogs (not personal blogs of friends that use it to provide updates in their lives).  I'm going to pare it down to a couple that I really gain encouragement and insight from and leave the others behind.  I am going to focus on teaching my children the important things in life...loving God, showing His love, serving others and being kind people with good manners.  The other stuff...the reading, writing, arithmetic...it will be dispersed some throughout the day, but not because I feel like we're competing with other children.  Life is going to look different around my house...less computer time, less comparing myself to others, and less stressing about the silly things.  In turn, there will be more love, more grace and more resting in my Father's arms.

“It is a kindness when (God) strips us of self-reliance, because it is there, in our emptiness and brokenness, that we experience the privilege of his sustaining grace. It is only when we arrive at the dreaded place of weakness that we discover the surpassing power of Christ.” - Elyse Fitzpatrick

I share all of this because maybe someone else will read this at a time that they need it and realize that they are not alone. If that's you...if you feel overwhelmed with life, please feel free to contact me so that I can keep you in my prayers (jennturner05 at gmail dot com).  No unsolicited advice will be given, no questions asked.

As I close, I just heard Jared listening to this song on his computer and it's perfect for how I am feeling right now.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY_8Pp83xww

Storms and Jesus

It is storming here this morning. Brogan just said, "Mommy, when I look at you when it 'lightens' I'm not scared."

I immediately thought about how true that is in my own life. If I look at the storms (trials) in my life, I tend to feel weak, weary and fearful. If I look towards Jesus, I feel comfort and peace and He fills me with strength to continue on.

What/who are you looking at today?

Matthew 14
29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous,[b] he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” 31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...

Give God your...Mess.

I decided to challenge myself this year by linking up with a group of ladies who are inspired by the sweet Christian author, Holley Gerth. 

The link-up is for the Coffee for Your Heart 2014 Encouragement Challenge!

 

 I found Holley through my husband.  He brought home the book, “You're Already Amazing” for me one day (he chose it himself…cue the “awwws”) and I was immediately inspired by her knowledge and her ability to make you think that you are reading the words  a friend pinned just for you.  Seriously, if you haven’t read her writing, please, do yourself a favor and do so…soon.

Anyway, I struggled with this challenge from day one (in fact, I am two days late writing the first post). (They are supposed to be every Wednesday.)  Why the struggle?  I am well aware that I am not eloquent with words.  There are times that I read an inspiring post and think, “If only I could be gifted like that!”  It probably doesn’t help that I am married to a writer.  While most of his writing these days are about sports, the man can seriously write amazing and it kind-of makes me sick. ;) Also, my blog leaves MUCH to be desired.  It's not fancy, kind-of boring.  

The biggest reason though is that I am in a HUGE funk these days.  Depressed?  Maybe.  Not severely, but sort-of...though it scares me to even admit that.  Truth is...the day in, day out of staying at home with the kids is the biggest blessing I have ever received and also the hardest job I have ever had.  I have placed so much pressure on myself to be the best mommy, wife, and housekeeper ever that I have almost given up on all duties right now because I just feel so overwhelmed.  For any moms reading this who work another job in addition to being a mother, please know that I KNOW your job is hard.  Remember, I was there…the mom who barely saw her babies during the week, who cried on the way to work because I just wanted to be with my children, who struggled with guilt when dropping off a sick but “not sick enough for the daycare to notice” child and who came to view my job as the biggest curse in my life (even though it was a blessing to have at the time).   So, now, I struggle with guilt for not being more grateful…for sometimes wishing that I had more reason to get out of the house during the day (to somewhere that’s not a play place, shopping area or library), for actually missing the" rat-race" every now and then.  Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose, even though I know my purpose is right here at home right now.   I KNOW that I am beyond blessed….crazy blessed in fact with two healthy, happy children and a hard-working, God-fearing, spoils-me-rotten husband.  Still, something has been missing. This year, I intend on finding it.  Maybe it’s inspiration.  Maybe it’s just making a few (actually obtainable) goals and working towards them.  Maybe it’s just digging my heels…or actually my stay-at-home mommy flats that I now wear…in a bit deeper and pushing through this funk.  Maybe I need a gratitude journal?  Maybe I need more time to myself?  Maybe I need to suck it up?  Maybe…it’s all of the above??? 

While I ponder these questions, I know one thing is certain.  I need more of God and I need to give him my best.  Right now, my best is a mess.  That’s OK…he doesn’t require for me to be perfect.  He doesn’t require for me to come to him with my hair in place and dressed to the nine.  He doesn't want me to wait until the house is completely quiet and I have at least 30 minutes to spend in complete devotion to Him.  He doesn't want me to come only when I have made a spiritual to-do list complete with specific goals on how I plan on reading my Bible in a year, volunteer x number of hours, etc.  He just wants me to come.   He is willing to take all of me - all the mess - and mold it into something beautiful.  So, I challenge you in 2014 to do the same.   So, as Holley asked: 

“What encouraging words do you want the people you care about to hear as they begin a new year?”

Give God your best.  Lay aside the desire to be perfect and just give him your mess. 

I am excited to see what God has planned for my mess this year!  I am also excited to hear what God has planned for you! Blessings and hugs!