Waiting

This is torture.

I am pregnant.

The pregnancy is not torture.  In fact, I welcome every single moment of nausea (which happens to still be very active at 22 weeks of pregnancy) and twinge of discomfort.  It helps me to know things are OK.

The tortuous part is the wait.  This is so different than when I had Addi and Brogan.  Waiting to finally hold every sweet baby has always been a bit difficult, but not like this.  I have not gone one day in this pregnancy without worrying that my body may be destroying the sweet one inside of me.  All signs point to a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Still, I worry.  I feel movement multiple times a day.  Still, I worry.  I know that God's perfect will shall be accomplished.  Still, I worry.

What if?  What if His will is not mine?

I know I need to trust Him.  I DO trust Him.  I just also know that His plan doesn't always include joy without sorrow.  

Yet, in this waiting, I've learned that it's OK.  It's OK to be afraid.  As long as I bring my fears to Him.  It's OK to wonder.  As long as I bring my questions to Him.  It's OK to not know how it will end.  As long as I know that God writes endings that are far better than we can imagine.
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My Christmas present to myself this year is to stop feeling inadequate because I worry and question and think of the "what ifs?"  Instead, I'm going to continue to daily surrender to God and wait on Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25New King James Version (NKJV)

21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Do you ever struggle with trusting God?  I do.  Then, I feel guilty.

Why should I not trust him?  His record is perfect.  There are certainly situations in my life that I wish had different outcomes, prayers that were answered with a "no" instead of a "yes," and heartaches that God has allowed.  Yet, His perfect will is just that...perfect. I will never know why or entirely grasp why some things in life didn't work out the way I thought they should, but I have come to the place of knowing that it is OK that I don't have the answers.  I am also OK with never having the answers.  Reality is, I doubt that when I get to heaven and see Jesus face to face that I will be to concerned with knowing exactly why He did something that I didn't like here on earth.  This I know...I want nothing more and nothing less than to live in God's will.

So, why do I doubt Him?  Why do I brace myself for the worst possible scenario?  Why do I spend several sleepless hours a night at times in worry?  Why do I get frustrated when things don't go my way?  Why do I fear?  My only answer...I am human.  I am in a constant battle with my flesh.  Our pastor worded it so wisely this morning in a sermon, "I am the temple of the Holy Spirit...but there is a terrorist in the temple called sin."  That statement hits the nail on the head...I am in a constant battle with myself:  the part of me that longs to dwell in His presence and the part of me that wants to have my wants met when I want them.

The past few weeks, have been a struggle.  I have allowed worry to almost overtake my mind at times. I am scared of an unknown outcome.  Worried of what I may miss out on.  Fearful of experiencing more pain.  I was beating myself up about it.  I felt like an utter failure in allowing myself to succumb to such thoughts.  Then, a sweet lady reminded me of a man in Mark 9.  His son was sick (plagued with demons). He took the son to Jesus' disciples and asked for them to heal him.  They couldn't do it.  Along came Jesus.  The man looked at him and said, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief."  Then, Jesus healed his son.

Jesus healed his son even though he didn't fully believe.  The man believed in Jesus Christ, yet he acknowledged that he still had unbelief.  He acknowledged that believing is sometimes hard.  The difficulty is not believing that Jesus is who He says He is, but believing that He will do what is best.  Or maybe it's more in believing that what is His best is not what I will want.  So, this has been the prayer that I have uttered countless times in the last few days..."Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.  Capture my thoughts before they become full-fledged fears.  Help me to trust You in ALL things.  It's easy to trust You when all is going well or when everything is so bad that I feel that is my only option.  It's difficult for me to trust you when I am waiting and wondering.  So, help me in the waiting.  Help me in the wondering.  One thing I know is this...Your ways are higher than my ways.  I desire nothing more than Your perfect will to be done."  

I would be lying if I said that when I pray that prayer that my fears go completely away. They don't.  Yet, I see God working.  I feel Him settling my soul.  I am looking at the situation that has been worrying me with new eyes.   Just as James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."  I feel Him in my life and that, my friends, is a good feeling.

Grief, Grief...Go away!

 **Some of what I say in this may have already been said.  I don't really feel like going back to read any of my posts right now, so, oh well. ;)

There are times I think about writing on this blog...not just about the miscarriage, but also about good things.  Really good things.  Like Brogan's cute face tonight that had dirt all over it as he was giggling about wanting to put a pie in Jared's face sometime (he has been obsessed about "pies in the face" since Vacation Bible School). ;)  Good things like Addi's attitude taking a HUGE shift for the better and how amazingly sweet and helpful she has been recently. And, other good things. 

It kind-of stinks because even in the midst of all the good things...my grief remains.  It doesn't always yell a "Hey! Don't forget about me."  Sometimes, it's quiet.  Almost like it's not even there and then, bam...I see a family with three kids, or a pregnant woman, or a baby.  Or it hits me - like it did today - that so much time has passed (11 weeks since we learned we miscarried) and yet, I should still be pregnant.  Still be pregnant.  It hurts...so terribly bad.

I feel stuck.  Stuck  somewhere in between a place of wanting to just forget all about this ordeal and move on with life the way it was before and never wanting to forget this pain so that God can use me to somehow help others who will face this tragedy...and of course, so that my baby's death will not be wasted.  And, that's what it feels like...my baby...his life...wasted. Yet, he is the one who is really living.  He never knew any amount of pain, or fear, or sadness...only comfort and joy as he looks at our amazing Savior.

There are moments that I find myself mad at God for allowing this to happen.  Sometimes, I think He is cruel for giving us a dream of this child and then taking it away.  Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to Him.  Sometimes, I don't even know what to say.  Sometimes, I think His timing really stinks.  Then, I remember.  I remember how I gave birth to Addi 363 days after a doctor said I would probably never get pregnant.  I remember how scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brogan because Addi was only 6.5 months when we found out...yet, it all worked out and I cannot imagine it any other way. Addi and Brogan are an amazing duo...best friends.  I remember how I longed to be able to stay at home with my babies and He made it happen.  I don't have to look to far back to remember God's Hand at work in the details of the miscarriage.

So, I cling to Him.  I am so thankful that He can handle all of my crazy emotions and still be here for Me.  That's what I need to remember.  He is here.  Right here.  When the air is thick with His presence...He is here.  When - in my humanness - I wonder if He cares...He is here. 

For that, I'm so grateful!!

It is Well....

I saw a sign that said, "It is well with my soul" at Hobby Lobby today and almost broke down.  Right there...in the middle of the store. 

That song has such special meaning to me.  When my water broke while naturally miscarrying, I lost it.  The reality of what was happening pretty much felt like a slap in the face at that moment and I started screaming out in rage and throwing things.  I said some mean things to God.  Things I'm not proud of. I accused Him of stealing my baby...the baby He created (even though I've always been well aware that our children are just on loan from Him).  I told Him that what He was doing was ridiculous.  I begged Him to change His mind and stop everything. God - who is so gracious and merciful - literally met me in my deepest despair and I suddenly had such peace that I started singing this song.  I didn't even know all the words, so I pulled the lyrics up on my phone.  I found such comfort while singing each verse. Jared and I sat down and listened to it on the computer while tears streamed down my face.  It was such a raw, emotional, yet, beautiful moment.  I will NEVER forget it.  I had began delivering the corpse of my baby and was in extreme physical and emotional distress, yet, I had Hope.  I knew that in the end everything would be OK. I still cling to that Hope daily...waiting for His plan to be revealed. 

Is it really well with my soul?  Yes.  It is well because I have a Savior who loves me.  He meets me where I am...whether it's the lowest of lows or the highest of highs.  He intercedes for me when I don't have the words to pray.  He places my tears in a bottle.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  He has ordered my steps.  He is victorious, therefore, I am victorious.  I do not pretend to understand His ways; He doesn't make any sense.  Yet, I know that His plan is far better than mine.  I know that because I have seen the way He has worked before. 

I didn't break down in Hobby Lobby.  I bought the sign and promptly cried as soon as I got in the car.  The crying was more joyful than sorrowful...thankful for my God; thankful that He cares; thankful that it really is well with my soul.

You created my inmost being...

One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 139.  Since the miscarriage, I haven't been able to read it without feeling a bit aggravated.  The part that aggravates me?

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

It was tough to read those words and not wonder why God had not allowed my sweet baby to be completely knitted together, to be made in the secret place, woven together.  Oh, how my heart hurts thinking of how that didn't happen.

Tonight, our church had a prayer service and while we were praying, I opened my Bible to that Psalm. When I read the words, I felt like God revealed something to me at that moment.  My baby - the one I miss with every ounce of my being - was knitted together and completely formed and fashioned perfectly by God.  That baby is more whole than anyone reading this is because he (or so we think and frankly, I'm tired of saying him or her) is able to look at Jesus daily and "behold the beauty of the Lord" - Psalm 27:4. 

I was able to thank God (for the first time) for sparing our child from an insurmountable amount of pain that may have come his way if he was born with a major defect that would have caused him to not be able to live outside the womb.  While my arms long to hold him, my heart finds comfort in knowing that he is in the best place ever...and one day, I will get to be with him...gazing into the eyes of our Creator...the One who perfectly created us both.

Just Being Real (even if my words/thoughts are jumbled)

We were pregnant and now we're not.  Actually, I still am technically pregnant as we wait to see if my body will naturally do what it should or if I will need a D&C. We are heartbroken and grieving in a way that we never have before.  We were so excited about this sweet baby and I am angry at times that our child was only allowed to live inside of my womb for 12 weeks. We saw the baby moving the week before.  We saw its beautiful profile the next week with no movement and no heartbeat.  We told our kids they were going to have a little brother or sister...they have kissed and hugged "the baby in mommy's belly" multiple times throughout the last few weeks.  We gave God the glory in how we announced our addition on  Facebook....8 days later, we still gave God the glory in how we announced the death.  We give God the glory regardless because He deserves it...even when we are kind-of mad.  It is all so painful.

Yet, God is so good.  We have seen His hands in the smallest details of this situation.  We know He is so  faithful.  We know that He has a reason this happened.   We don't like it.  We don't think it makes sense.  We have wondered why this has happened.  We have never wondered, "Why us?" though.  Bad things happen every single day and we are no less or more deserving of them happening to us than anyone else.

So we grieve.  I have cried buckets of tears and am just anxious for the body of the baby to be out of me so I can start healing physically and emotionally.  Truthfully, I'm also not excited for the body to be out of me because then it will be real forever.  Done. Over. NO chance of God breathing life back into the baby's body.  Even though I know it's already over.  Our baby is in Heaven.  I will hold him/her one day.  I truly believe that with all my heart.  Still it's hard.

People have been amazing.  We have received so much support:  Facebook comments, private messages, texts and calls.  Our church family loved on us so well yesterday.  We are amazed.  One thing though (which ironically was only said by the sweet on-call doctor who was actually very gracious and I couldn't have asked for her to be any sweeter)...when someone loses a baby and have other children, never say, "Well, you're fortunate that you have two (or whatever number) children."  Yes, we are so BLESSED to have our amazing Addi and Brogan.  That doesn't mean we wanted this baby any less.  We had started to allow ourselves to dream about this baby's future too.  I had started looking at myself as a mom of three, not two.

My heart hurts.  I know this is not the worse situation in the world.  I know it could be so much worse.  Still, this situation, this moment in time sucks for us.

In the Last 10 Days...

1. Addi has been sick (including multiple calls to her pediatrician office, a visit to the pediatrician, and a visit to the children's hospital ER).  Still no answers on what is wrong (other than a virus)...but we are kind-of worried it might be mono.

2.  My car broke down

3.  Jared's car battery died

4.  I dropped the entire contents of our dinner on the floor (shattering the platter it was on).  We declared it a pizza night.

5.  We went over our weekly budget due to multiple things

6.  Just discovered our roof is leaking and it is supposed to rain all night after already raining for over 24 hours.

7.  Had to have an electrician come fix a short in our ceiling fan

I am grateful for weeks like this because it makes me realize that most weeks are really great.

I could post the positives of the last week and a half...there have been many...the truth is, I just don't feel like it right now.  I want to complain.  I know I shouldn't.  Still, I feel like it. ;)

Have a great Easter! I am so thankful that Jesus is alive and that He is my ultimate rock!  Without him, I'd be toast. 

"Are you upset, Mommy?"

Last night, I gave myself a pat on the back.  A pat on the back for parenting.  This is a rarity.  I always think that my parenting leaves much room for improvement.  

Since Brogan started potty training, he has had three nighttime accidents.  This is remarkable considering he has been diaper free at night for two months. Anyway, the first two accidents he had were traumatic for him.  It's not fun to wake up wet and when he realized it was because he peed the first time, he lost it.  Thankfully, I maintain all composure when it comes to nighttime accidents.  I am actually very sweet about them.  The first two times though, Brogan would look at me and say, "Are you upset, Mommy?"  I would assure him that I was not.  Last night, he woke up crying and saying, "Mommy, I'm wet!" I got up and made it better. After I took care of the necessities, I laid down beside him so that he would fall back to sleep.  What happened next MELTED my heart.  He looked at me, smiled sweetly and said, "I love you, my Mommy."  At that moment, I realized he did not ask me if I was upset the entire time he was awake last night.  He knew I wasn't.  He knew that when he called out to me, he would find only grace and no condemnation.  He knew I would reassure him that mistakes happen, but that he is such an amazing boy who is doing an awesome job.  He knew I would still love him.  I laid there and thanked God that my son knows that.  I also thanked God for the times that He does the same for me.  

Amazing the things God shows you after cleaning up pee at 3:30 am, isn't it? ;)

Good-Bye Ideal Me

This "mom funk" I've been in recently isn't disappearing.  At times, I think it's going away, but then it rears it's ugly head and it's all I can do to complete the day-to-day tasks without breaking down in a heap of tears.  It's been a rough few weeks, but in the midst of all of this, I've seen God's grace in amazing ways.  Several times He has gently reminded me that He sees me, hears me, and knows me.  It's remarkable really.  I've also experienced first hand how the enemy can get into my mind and wreak complete havoc...it's not pretty; it's horrible.  I have felt like a complete failure...not just a failure, but that I am really not cut out for the roles that I KNOW God has called me to have.

I know that God is telling me to lay down at His feet my ideal of the perfect mother and wife that I have conjured up in my head. He wants me to let Him show me what His ideal is of the imperfect, but godly wife and mother.  The painful  and embarrassing truth...it has been days (really more like multiple weeks) since I have picked up my Bible.  I have spent very little time in prayer (though I have made sure to pray for those that I have told I would). I have not taken time to just let God minister to me and talk to me.  What's even more painful to admit...I haven't even really wanted to. Little desire to do these things at all.

I love Jesus with all my heart and I love my husband and my children more than I can ever express, but in my attempts to try to live up to my ideal, I have forgotten to just demonstrate my love.  Demonstrating my love...that is enough.  If I let my love for God rule my life, I just know I will be amazed at the outcome.  If I focus on the love I have for my husband and children more than how I should be as a wife and a mother, I will probably excel in those areas.

Though, I am hard-headed and stubborn, God showed me grace and allowed me to read these articles today that helped me to really put everything into perspective.

The first one:

http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2013/01/dear-moms-jesus-wants-you-to-chill-out.html

Some excerpts:

Moms, Jesus wants you to chill out about being a mom. You don’t have to make homemade bread to be a faithful mom. You don’t have to sew you children’s clothing to be a faithful mom. You don’t have to coupon, buy all organic produce, keep a journal, scrapbook, plant a garden, or make your own babyfood to be a faithful mom. There’s nothing wrong with these things, but they’re also not in your biblical job description.

Moms, Jesus want you to rest in him. He wants you to chill out. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. Don’t compare yourself to other moms. Don’t try to be something God hasn’t called you to be. If the mom blogs are making you feel guilty, stop reading them. Be faithful to what he has truly called you to do, and know that he is pleased with you. When your kids are resting, don’t feel guilty about watching an episode of “Lost”, or whatever your favorite show may happen to be.

Love God, love your husband, love your kids. Keep it simple and chill out.

The second one:

http://sarahmae.com/2014/01/the-hidden-years/

Some excerpts:

These are the years I have to teach, train, influence, and disciple my babies. And once these years are gone, they’re gone. I will never get them back.

See, I don’t just want to get by in mothering; I want to mother with clarity and intention, seeking to raise Kingdom-minded children who will, Lord willing, go into the world with strength, and courage, and integrity, and faithfulness and a resolve to be light wherever God leads them. This doesn’t just happen, it takes hard work and time. And I don’t want to miss my chance.

I am 100% called to be a mom, and so I want to walk fully and faithfully into my calling. And when I do that, when I mother well (albeit quite imperfectly) I lay my head down at night and experience peace instead of regret or guilt. It is the best feeling ever. 

The first link was written in January 2013 and the other one today.  Yet, I truly feel it was by design that God had me read both today.  I felt like both women were speaking directly to me...writing directly from my heart. It was after reading the second article that it all "clicked" and clarity came.  It's time for me to relax, rest in Him and once and for all put aside my ideals.

What does this mean?  Am I giving up on my goals?  Absolutely not, but I am certainly reevaluating.  Am I giving up my desire to be the best servant I can be for Christ and the best wife and mother I can be?  No...in fact, I am getting back to the root of those desires...the desire to perform in my duties in the way that God wants me to, not in the way I think I should.  So, I'm saying goodbye to my Pinterest perfect idea of what my house should look like, how my meals should taste, or how my kids should learn.  This doesn't mean I won't get on Pinterest because I do LOVE the ideas that I have actually done...but I am going to put less pressure on myself and spend less time on there. I am going to keep FB just to post about my kiddos some (because a lot of people say they get encouragement and joy from reading about them and I do like to share about them) and to also keep up with out of town friends and family.  I am going to - for the most part - STOP reading so many mommy blogs (not personal blogs of friends that use it to provide updates in their lives).  I'm going to pare it down to a couple that I really gain encouragement and insight from and leave the others behind.  I am going to focus on teaching my children the important things in life...loving God, showing His love, serving others and being kind people with good manners.  The other stuff...the reading, writing, arithmetic...it will be dispersed some throughout the day, but not because I feel like we're competing with other children.  Life is going to look different around my house...less computer time, less comparing myself to others, and less stressing about the silly things.  In turn, there will be more love, more grace and more resting in my Father's arms.

“It is a kindness when (God) strips us of self-reliance, because it is there, in our emptiness and brokenness, that we experience the privilege of his sustaining grace. It is only when we arrive at the dreaded place of weakness that we discover the surpassing power of Christ.” - Elyse Fitzpatrick

I share all of this because maybe someone else will read this at a time that they need it and realize that they are not alone. If that's you...if you feel overwhelmed with life, please feel free to contact me so that I can keep you in my prayers (jennturner05 at gmail dot com).  No unsolicited advice will be given, no questions asked.

As I close, I just heard Jared listening to this song on his computer and it's perfect for how I am feeling right now.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY_8Pp83xww

Storms and Jesus

It is storming here this morning. Brogan just said, "Mommy, when I look at you when it 'lightens' I'm not scared."

I immediately thought about how true that is in my own life. If I look at the storms (trials) in my life, I tend to feel weak, weary and fearful. If I look towards Jesus, I feel comfort and peace and He fills me with strength to continue on.

What/who are you looking at today?

Matthew 14
29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous,[b] he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” 31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...

Give God your...Mess.

I decided to challenge myself this year by linking up with a group of ladies who are inspired by the sweet Christian author, Holley Gerth. 

The link-up is for the Coffee for Your Heart 2014 Encouragement Challenge!

 

 I found Holley through my husband.  He brought home the book, “You're Already Amazing” for me one day (he chose it himself…cue the “awwws”) and I was immediately inspired by her knowledge and her ability to make you think that you are reading the words  a friend pinned just for you.  Seriously, if you haven’t read her writing, please, do yourself a favor and do so…soon.

Anyway, I struggled with this challenge from day one (in fact, I am two days late writing the first post). (They are supposed to be every Wednesday.)  Why the struggle?  I am well aware that I am not eloquent with words.  There are times that I read an inspiring post and think, “If only I could be gifted like that!”  It probably doesn’t help that I am married to a writer.  While most of his writing these days are about sports, the man can seriously write amazing and it kind-of makes me sick. ;) Also, my blog leaves MUCH to be desired.  It's not fancy, kind-of boring.  

The biggest reason though is that I am in a HUGE funk these days.  Depressed?  Maybe.  Not severely, but sort-of...though it scares me to even admit that.  Truth is...the day in, day out of staying at home with the kids is the biggest blessing I have ever received and also the hardest job I have ever had.  I have placed so much pressure on myself to be the best mommy, wife, and housekeeper ever that I have almost given up on all duties right now because I just feel so overwhelmed.  For any moms reading this who work another job in addition to being a mother, please know that I KNOW your job is hard.  Remember, I was there…the mom who barely saw her babies during the week, who cried on the way to work because I just wanted to be with my children, who struggled with guilt when dropping off a sick but “not sick enough for the daycare to notice” child and who came to view my job as the biggest curse in my life (even though it was a blessing to have at the time).   So, now, I struggle with guilt for not being more grateful…for sometimes wishing that I had more reason to get out of the house during the day (to somewhere that’s not a play place, shopping area or library), for actually missing the" rat-race" every now and then.  Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose, even though I know my purpose is right here at home right now.   I KNOW that I am beyond blessed….crazy blessed in fact with two healthy, happy children and a hard-working, God-fearing, spoils-me-rotten husband.  Still, something has been missing. This year, I intend on finding it.  Maybe it’s inspiration.  Maybe it’s just making a few (actually obtainable) goals and working towards them.  Maybe it’s just digging my heels…or actually my stay-at-home mommy flats that I now wear…in a bit deeper and pushing through this funk.  Maybe I need a gratitude journal?  Maybe I need more time to myself?  Maybe I need to suck it up?  Maybe…it’s all of the above??? 

While I ponder these questions, I know one thing is certain.  I need more of God and I need to give him my best.  Right now, my best is a mess.  That’s OK…he doesn’t require for me to be perfect.  He doesn’t require for me to come to him with my hair in place and dressed to the nine.  He doesn't want me to wait until the house is completely quiet and I have at least 30 minutes to spend in complete devotion to Him.  He doesn't want me to come only when I have made a spiritual to-do list complete with specific goals on how I plan on reading my Bible in a year, volunteer x number of hours, etc.  He just wants me to come.   He is willing to take all of me - all the mess - and mold it into something beautiful.  So, I challenge you in 2014 to do the same.   So, as Holley asked: 

“What encouraging words do you want the people you care about to hear as they begin a new year?”

Give God your best.  Lay aside the desire to be perfect and just give him your mess. 

I am excited to see what God has planned for my mess this year!  I am also excited to hear what God has planned for you! Blessings and hugs!