**Some of what I say in this may have already been said. I don't really feel like going back to read any of my posts right now, so, oh well. ;)
There are times I think about writing on this blog...not just
about the miscarriage, but also about good things. Really good things.
Like Brogan's cute face tonight that had dirt all over it as he was
giggling about wanting to put a pie in Jared's face sometime (he has
been obsessed about "pies in the face" since Vacation Bible School). ;)
Good things like Addi's attitude taking a HUGE shift for the better and
how amazingly sweet and helpful she has been recently. And, other good
things.
It kind-of stinks because even in the midst of
all the good things...my grief remains. It doesn't always yell a "Hey!
Don't forget about me." Sometimes, it's quiet. Almost like it's not
even there and then, bam...I see a family with three kids, or a pregnant
woman, or a baby. Or it hits me - like it did today - that so much
time has passed (11 weeks since we learned we miscarried) and yet, I
should still be pregnant. Still be pregnant. It hurts...so terribly
bad.
I feel stuck. Stuck somewhere in between a
place of wanting to just forget all about this ordeal and move on with
life the way it was before and never wanting to forget this pain so that
God can use me to somehow help others who will face this tragedy...and
of course, so that my baby's death will not be wasted. And, that's what
it feels like...my baby...his life...wasted. Yet, he is the one who is
really living. He never knew any amount of pain, or fear, or
sadness...only comfort and joy as he looks at our amazing Savior.
There
are moments that I find myself mad at God for allowing this to happen.
Sometimes, I think He is cruel for giving us a dream of this child and
then taking it away. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to Him.
Sometimes, I don't even know what to say. Sometimes, I think His timing
really stinks. Then, I remember. I remember how I gave birth to Addi
363 days after a doctor said I would probably never get pregnant. I
remember how scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brogan
because Addi was only 6.5 months when we found out...yet, it all worked
out and I cannot imagine it any other way. Addi and Brogan are an
amazing duo...best friends. I remember how I longed to be able to stay
at home with my babies and He made it happen. I don't have to look to
far back to remember God's Hand at work in the details of the
miscarriage.
So, I cling to Him. I am so thankful
that He can handle all of my crazy emotions and still be here for Me.
That's what I need to remember. He is here. Right here. When the air
is thick with His presence...He is here. When - in my humanness - I
wonder if He cares...He is here.
For that, I'm so grateful!!
For that, I'm so grateful!!
