An old post

I was looking back at old posts that I never actually posted, and came across the below written on 5/26/09, right as I was in the trenches of dealing with infertility. It is applicable for me now, when I'm in the trenches of some other trials. Trials not quite as painful as infertility, but still weighing heavily on me. Trials that make me feel inadequate, frustrated, glum at times, annoyed, sad, etc. I hate these feelings and am trying hard to change them, and reading this post was a blessing. So here goes...

5/26/09
I have been pretty quiet on this blog for a while. While time does seem to have a way of getting away from me and there is often not enough time in the day to just get everything done that I need to or want to, I think I've also been slightly more introspective lately, wishing to keep my thoughts to myself. Unfortunately in doing this, I have failed to tell my thoughts to God. I know that He knows my thoughts before I even think them, but I also know that He longs for me to voice my thoughts to Him. Yes, I've been praying, but they've been surface prayers lately. Nothing too deep, nothing too personal. Admittedly a lot of the reason it's been this way is not because of laziness or because I am angry at God but because of fear. It seems that the closer Jared and I grow to God, the harder life gets. Our marriage is still wonderful and firmly in tact, but we've had some crazy, non-relationship things we've had to deal with. So, I've drawn back...afraid to move forward because I don't want anything bad to happen.


With our upcoming vacation to the ocean quickly approaching, I can't help but think about what I'm doing in terms of the way I approach the ocean. I am not much of a "shallow" ocean person. I love to have the waves gently glide over my feet, but I love even more to have a huge wave hit me and practically take my breath away. I get a thrill out of this. Jared thinks this is a sick thrill. But the farther I can get into the thick of the waves, the happier I am. Yet there is always this point in the ocean where I get past the waves to a calmer, gentler, yet deeper, part of the ocean, I can relax and quit working so hard, and actually see the people who are in a more shallow part of the ocean getting pounded by the waves a lot worse than I am. Right now, in my relationship with God, I've stepped back into the part of the ocean where the waves gently glide over my feet...I'm still in the "ocean", just not really doing much. I'm in a safe zone. As I move deeper, allowing God to work in every area of my life, trials are ultimately going to come that may take my breath away for a brief time. But if I can just get through these, I will get into an area where I can rest and relax knowing that I am completely consumed by God's love and right where He wants me to be. Sure there will be trials that will come, trials that might seem to slap me across my face, but how much better will it be knowing that I'm enjoying a relationship with an all-consuming God. So, no more holding back...it's time to get back in the trenches. :)

"Hey, where did you go?"

After a long day of work, I went to get the kiddos at daycare and was greeted by a huge hug from my sweet girl. Followed by her looking at me and saying, "Hey...where did you go?" :)

Love.that.girl.to.pieces!

Just Being Candid...

This was a tough week. Actually, it's been a tough 2012. Since January 1st, it seems like someone in our house has been sick or in pain almost every day. Just in the last two weeks, Addi had strep and a sinus infection, Brogan had two ear infections and congestion from teething Jared was sick, and now it seems Addi is getting sick again. We cannot catch a break in this area. It is frustrating. I know that in the midst of it all that God is here. I know that He is watching over us. I know that He is readily available to be my strength on the days when I break down and cry because I hate to see my family members sick and hate even more having to leave them to go to work when they are sick. Anyway, I KNOW all of this...it's a head knowledge. Yet sometimes, my heart doesn't feel the way my head thinks. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me for working outside of the home (even though I am doing it for health insurance purposes), sometimes I feel like maybe we are out of His will - though everything seems to be pointing to the fact that we are not, sometimes I feel like He probably gets annoyed with me for asking for prayer for strength when what I am enduring pales in comparison to what others endure every day. Somehow though, I KNOW I am wrong. I KNOW that God loves me, I KNOW that He cares...and even in all my distress and agony of feeling like a sub-par Christian, wife, mother, daughter/sister, friend, employee, etc, I not only KNOW, but can feel that my Abba Father, my daddy is holding me in His arms. So, until I am strong enough to stand on my own again, here I am, a little weak, a little battle-torned, a little weary, but A LOT loved by my Amazing God who is comforting me and encouraging me to get back on my two feet and keep going.