WHY?!?!

I can't help but wonder...

Why does a 14-year-old and 6-year-old have to watch their mother's body be buried tomorrow?
Why does a 2-year-old have to suffer with a brain tumor?
Why did a hard-working man have to be laid off of his job after closing on his house the week before?

My list of why's are long these days...perhaps because the world we're living in just seems to be so chaotic. Right now I am wrestling with one really big WHY? I don't think it's wrong to ask God, "Why?"...it's probably wrong to get stuck on having to know the answer right away, or even ever. Some things will never be explained and will never make sense. What's important is knowing that regardless of the reasons, ultimately God has a better plan for our lives than we do.

Random Hugs

I can't stop thinking about Luke tonight. Luke is a beautiful, blonde-haired boy at our church. I have the privilege to interact with him on Sunday nights. Every Sunday, at random times, Luke will come up to me and smile and give me a huge hug. He was doing it so much one night, that the lady who was in class with me asked me if he was mine. I don't know why he has taken such a "liking to me" (that's such a southern term...haha) but he has. One of the cool things about Luke is that he is adopted from Russia. In fact, I don't think his parents have even had him for a year. On my way home from church tonight I began to think of what Luke's like could have been if he wasn't chosen to be adopted by loving parents. Would the joy that he exhibits now be non-existent? Would he feel safe? Would he even have the opportunity to grow up or would he have died prematurely as a result of not receiving adequate care? I can't imagine the sad state that child may have been in, if not for the mercy and love that two people from the United States showed to him...and most of all for the grace of God.

It's the same for me...were it not for the mercy and grace of God I would lack all joy. I would not feel safe. I would not have hope. I would die as a miserable soul. It's scary to think what my life would be like.

I've cried a river of tears in the last couple of weeks: my emotions have been all over the map, and at other times I have felt like a zombie just going through the motions. I've been uneasy, restless, anxious, upset, etc. Yet, when I turn my focus on God, it's amazing how much peace and strength I find. I've probably learned more about God's character in the last two weeks than I have in months. The amazing thing is, at other times - in my frenzied state of mind - I can feel God smiling at me and giving me random, undeserved hugs.

A Hurting World

I was thinking today about how many people in the world are hurting...we all have something we're dealing with or are feeling burdened about. I truly hope that as I seek the Lord, He will show me ways to help people around me who are hurting. I don't want to miss an opportunity to mutter a prayer between God and myself for the person in her car crying, the stressed cashier, a lonely friend, or a hurting soul. It's not comforting to know that there are people who are hurting more than me...and I know there are so many who are. I LONG to help however God will use me. And, ultimately, if I can help one person by walking this road (even if it's not someone going through the same thing I'm dealing with), if I can learn more about God's amazing characteristics (and I am!), if I can recognize the beauty in the "small" blessings (and I do!), and if I can allow God to shape me into someone who is more like Him (which He will if I allow it!), then I shouldn't wish this pain away.

I came across this quote last week and I love it:

"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain." - Gordon B. Hinckley

That statement is so fitting for what Jared and I are facing right now. Though it hurts, we're going through it together and with God (who is giving us an abundance of strength), and for that we are truly blessed. :)

My Plan

Jared and I were discussing a plan that I have and he asked me what I was going to do about something.  The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: I'm not sure, yet.  Right now this is all just a thought in my head. 

Jared:  Yeah, I know...that's what scares me.  

Haha...thanks for the vote of confidence, Baby! ;)

Developing Patience

I am not a patient person by nature. I am always the first person to hit the gas pedal when a light turns from red to green, I tap my foot and sometimes even sigh rather loudly when I'm in waiting in line, I always tell Jared he's too laid back, etc. I've also never really prayed for patience. I use to shudder at the very thought. I NEVER wanted my trials to be trials that would make me more patient because the wait would hurt too much in the process. And here I sit, having to learn first hand the importance of patience.

The other day - in the very beginning stages of a huge trial - I came across this definition of patience:

to handle pain or difficult times calmly and without complaining

That definition of patience makes total sense to me. Think about it: if you are dealing with a physical pain - for example a horrible headache - would you throw a literal fit? For anyone who has dealt with migraines, the answer would be an emphatic NO! If you kick and scream, the pain intensity is going to multiply ten times and you will lose every single bit of energy you had. Instead, you move cautiously, careful not to agitate your already aching head. Chances are you also don't walk around moaning and groaning...instead you take some medicine, find a place where you can escape from the noise and the chaos of the world, and just relax. Well, we should approach "difficult times" the same way. In this trial, I can kick, scream, have a hissy fit and complain about how unfair life is, but what good will it do? It will intensify my pain, make my problem seem larger than life itself, and cause me to become ineffective. Instead, I want to move cautiously through this trial...realizing that my actions and reactions need to be guided by my Heavenly Father. I want to allow God to be my "medicine" - my comforter, my strength and my hope. And though it's helpful to talk to other people about the pain at times, I don't want to become someone who is throwing myself a grand ol' pity party. My prayer is that through this trial I can allow God to shine through me more than ever.

So, yes, I've finally prayed for patience. I don't fear it, I need it.

I Need You Once Again - awesome song!!

Decisions must be made

and now I have a choice,

I need your wisdom, Lord

I need to hear your voice

I'm facing challenges

and the walls are closing in

I'm crying out to You,

my one true, faithful friend.

Hear my prayer, oh Lord,

I need You in my life

I cry to You, oh Lord
Please lead me to the light.

Show me the way, oh Lord

and cleanse me from my sin,

Jesus, I need You

I need You once again

Jesus, I need You

I need You once again

I know You are the one

that guides me day by day.

The answer's found in You,

your the truth, the life, the way.

When others seem to fail,

and trouble's all around

Lord, you're always standing there,

the one true hope I found.

Hear my prayer, oh Lord,
I need you in my life
I cry to you, oh Lord
Please lead me to the light.
Show me the way, oh Lord
and cleanse me from my sin,
Jesus, I need You
I need You once again
Jesus, I need You
I need You once again

I need You, beside me

I need You, to guide me

I need You, please hear me

I need You, be near me.

I need You, beside me

I need You, to guide me

I need You, please hear me

I need You, be near me!

Hear my prayer, oh Lord,
I need you in my life
I cry to you, oh Lord
Please lead me to the light.
Show me the way, oh Lord
and cleanse me from my sin,
Jesus, I need You
I need You once again
Jesus, I need You
I need You once again

Go Away, Jose!

I know a person who is never content...just for the fun of it, let's call the guy, "Jose." I don't know any Jose's so this is a safe name. :) Anyway, Jose is not necessarily a complainer, he's just so discontent in his life that he has to brag about anything and everything that he feels might make him sound important. I do mean EVERYTHING. I even know how much money he saved in car insurance by switching to Geico. I'm not kidding...I really know the actual dollar amount. I also know how much he is getting back in taxes, how much he paid for his house, his car, and the list goes on and on. And no, I'm not married to Jose or even related to him...the guy just lacks all discretion. Anyway, at times I want to shout, "Shut up, Jose!" but I know that's not the nice thing to do. Instead I either pretend I don't hear him, or pray for strength to refrain from rolling my eyes and just politely nod at whatever he says.

I have started feeling kind-of bad for Jose. Jared and I don't have as many material possessions as this guy, we haven't traveled as much of the world, and we certainly can't speak two languages (yep, Jose can) and yet we're happier. Jose is married to a very nice person and he's still not happy. I guess the lesson I've learned, and in fact am reminded of every single day that I'm around Jose, is that my contenment cannot be found in material things, it can't be found in relationships with my family and friends, and it can't even be found in my wonderful relationship with my husband. It is found in Christ. This world may see me as one person, but God totally sees me as His child. Psalm 16:5 says that God is our portion. How comforting to know that whatever needs I have for the day (even the patience to deal with Jose), God will give to me.