It is Well....

I saw a sign that said, "It is well with my soul" at Hobby Lobby today and almost broke down.  Right there...in the middle of the store. 

That song has such special meaning to me.  When my water broke while naturally miscarrying, I lost it.  The reality of what was happening pretty much felt like a slap in the face at that moment and I started screaming out in rage and throwing things.  I said some mean things to God.  Things I'm not proud of. I accused Him of stealing my baby...the baby He created (even though I've always been well aware that our children are just on loan from Him).  I told Him that what He was doing was ridiculous.  I begged Him to change His mind and stop everything. God - who is so gracious and merciful - literally met me in my deepest despair and I suddenly had such peace that I started singing this song.  I didn't even know all the words, so I pulled the lyrics up on my phone.  I found such comfort while singing each verse. Jared and I sat down and listened to it on the computer while tears streamed down my face.  It was such a raw, emotional, yet, beautiful moment.  I will NEVER forget it.  I had began delivering the corpse of my baby and was in extreme physical and emotional distress, yet, I had Hope.  I knew that in the end everything would be OK. I still cling to that Hope daily...waiting for His plan to be revealed. 

Is it really well with my soul?  Yes.  It is well because I have a Savior who loves me.  He meets me where I am...whether it's the lowest of lows or the highest of highs.  He intercedes for me when I don't have the words to pray.  He places my tears in a bottle.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  He has ordered my steps.  He is victorious, therefore, I am victorious.  I do not pretend to understand His ways; He doesn't make any sense.  Yet, I know that His plan is far better than mine.  I know that because I have seen the way He has worked before. 

I didn't break down in Hobby Lobby.  I bought the sign and promptly cried as soon as I got in the car.  The crying was more joyful than sorrowful...thankful for my God; thankful that He cares; thankful that it really is well with my soul.

You created my inmost being...

One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 139.  Since the miscarriage, I haven't been able to read it without feeling a bit aggravated.  The part that aggravates me?

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

It was tough to read those words and not wonder why God had not allowed my sweet baby to be completely knitted together, to be made in the secret place, woven together.  Oh, how my heart hurts thinking of how that didn't happen.

Tonight, our church had a prayer service and while we were praying, I opened my Bible to that Psalm. When I read the words, I felt like God revealed something to me at that moment.  My baby - the one I miss with every ounce of my being - was knitted together and completely formed and fashioned perfectly by God.  That baby is more whole than anyone reading this is because he (or so we think and frankly, I'm tired of saying him or her) is able to look at Jesus daily and "behold the beauty of the Lord" - Psalm 27:4. 

I was able to thank God (for the first time) for sparing our child from an insurmountable amount of pain that may have come his way if he was born with a major defect that would have caused him to not be able to live outside the womb.  While my arms long to hold him, my heart finds comfort in knowing that he is in the best place ever...and one day, I will get to be with him...gazing into the eyes of our Creator...the One who perfectly created us both.