Blog Sabbatical

I took a bit of a blog sabbatical because I just couldn't find the words to type how I have been feeling recently. Jared and I have known or known of couples who have miscarried in the past four months. Seven miscarriages in total. We also know or know of a few couples who are trying to conceive, but each month are faced with the reality that their dreams are placed on hold for yet another month. It's heartbreaking. We've been there. We never miscarried, but we know the agony of hoping, praying, dreaming and then waiting. I can't help but think of the couples I know whose dreams have been delayed and wonder why God, a God who is full of love, is allowing them to suffer so deeply. But I also know that we serve an amazing God who has planned every detail of our lives before we were born (it's true, just read Psalm 139). His timing is perfect and wonderful and so far the story He has written for my life has been better than I could have ever imagined.

Honestly though, I've felt almost guilty being pregnant a second time, especially so soon after having our first miracle baby, when there are people still waiting for their first child. If I were still trying to conceive, I don't know if I'd like someone like me very much. It doesn't seem fair that I've been blessed with two miracles. And it's not. I'm not some wonderful Christian who deserves showers of blessings. I make mistakes every day of my life. I don't read the Bible or pray as much as I should, I don't always turn to God first, I don't always find it easy to trust God. I'm as imperfect of a Christian as they come. There are people I know who would love to have a child who are WAY more qualified and deserving to be a parent than me. One thing I've learned though, there's no rhyme and reason as to why some people have to wait longer for a child (or anything else for that matter) than others. We all have our trials and tests...it's part of life. God uses those to reveal Himself to us and it's not up to me to tell Him who is or is not deserving of specific trials. So, I have made up my mind, to not question, but instead to stand in the gap...especially for those couples who are near and dear to my heart. I plan to pray for them daily...even when they don't feel they can pray for themselves. And one day, when I hold their firstborns, I will be overjoyed knowing that these precious couples have an appreciation for their children that can only come from going through the "fire" first.