Grief, Grief...Go away!

 **Some of what I say in this may have already been said.  I don't really feel like going back to read any of my posts right now, so, oh well. ;)

There are times I think about writing on this blog...not just about the miscarriage, but also about good things.  Really good things.  Like Brogan's cute face tonight that had dirt all over it as he was giggling about wanting to put a pie in Jared's face sometime (he has been obsessed about "pies in the face" since Vacation Bible School). ;)  Good things like Addi's attitude taking a HUGE shift for the better and how amazingly sweet and helpful she has been recently. And, other good things. 

It kind-of stinks because even in the midst of all the good things...my grief remains.  It doesn't always yell a "Hey! Don't forget about me."  Sometimes, it's quiet.  Almost like it's not even there and then, bam...I see a family with three kids, or a pregnant woman, or a baby.  Or it hits me - like it did today - that so much time has passed (11 weeks since we learned we miscarried) and yet, I should still be pregnant.  Still be pregnant.  It hurts...so terribly bad.

I feel stuck.  Stuck  somewhere in between a place of wanting to just forget all about this ordeal and move on with life the way it was before and never wanting to forget this pain so that God can use me to somehow help others who will face this tragedy...and of course, so that my baby's death will not be wasted.  And, that's what it feels like...my baby...his life...wasted. Yet, he is the one who is really living.  He never knew any amount of pain, or fear, or sadness...only comfort and joy as he looks at our amazing Savior.

There are moments that I find myself mad at God for allowing this to happen.  Sometimes, I think He is cruel for giving us a dream of this child and then taking it away.  Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to Him.  Sometimes, I don't even know what to say.  Sometimes, I think His timing really stinks.  Then, I remember.  I remember how I gave birth to Addi 363 days after a doctor said I would probably never get pregnant.  I remember how scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brogan because Addi was only 6.5 months when we found out...yet, it all worked out and I cannot imagine it any other way. Addi and Brogan are an amazing duo...best friends.  I remember how I longed to be able to stay at home with my babies and He made it happen.  I don't have to look to far back to remember God's Hand at work in the details of the miscarriage.

So, I cling to Him.  I am so thankful that He can handle all of my crazy emotions and still be here for Me.  That's what I need to remember.  He is here.  Right here.  When the air is thick with His presence...He is here.  When - in my humanness - I wonder if He cares...He is here. 

For that, I'm so grateful!!