An old post

I was looking back at old posts that I never actually posted, and came across the below written on 5/26/09, right as I was in the trenches of dealing with infertility. It is applicable for me now, when I'm in the trenches of some other trials. Trials not quite as painful as infertility, but still weighing heavily on me. Trials that make me feel inadequate, frustrated, glum at times, annoyed, sad, etc. I hate these feelings and am trying hard to change them, and reading this post was a blessing. So here goes...

5/26/09
I have been pretty quiet on this blog for a while. While time does seem to have a way of getting away from me and there is often not enough time in the day to just get everything done that I need to or want to, I think I've also been slightly more introspective lately, wishing to keep my thoughts to myself. Unfortunately in doing this, I have failed to tell my thoughts to God. I know that He knows my thoughts before I even think them, but I also know that He longs for me to voice my thoughts to Him. Yes, I've been praying, but they've been surface prayers lately. Nothing too deep, nothing too personal. Admittedly a lot of the reason it's been this way is not because of laziness or because I am angry at God but because of fear. It seems that the closer Jared and I grow to God, the harder life gets. Our marriage is still wonderful and firmly in tact, but we've had some crazy, non-relationship things we've had to deal with. So, I've drawn back...afraid to move forward because I don't want anything bad to happen.


With our upcoming vacation to the ocean quickly approaching, I can't help but think about what I'm doing in terms of the way I approach the ocean. I am not much of a "shallow" ocean person. I love to have the waves gently glide over my feet, but I love even more to have a huge wave hit me and practically take my breath away. I get a thrill out of this. Jared thinks this is a sick thrill. But the farther I can get into the thick of the waves, the happier I am. Yet there is always this point in the ocean where I get past the waves to a calmer, gentler, yet deeper, part of the ocean, I can relax and quit working so hard, and actually see the people who are in a more shallow part of the ocean getting pounded by the waves a lot worse than I am. Right now, in my relationship with God, I've stepped back into the part of the ocean where the waves gently glide over my feet...I'm still in the "ocean", just not really doing much. I'm in a safe zone. As I move deeper, allowing God to work in every area of my life, trials are ultimately going to come that may take my breath away for a brief time. But if I can just get through these, I will get into an area where I can rest and relax knowing that I am completely consumed by God's love and right where He wants me to be. Sure there will be trials that will come, trials that might seem to slap me across my face, but how much better will it be knowing that I'm enjoying a relationship with an all-consuming God. So, no more holding back...it's time to get back in the trenches. :)