I did it. I gave my two-week notice at work today. I still can’t believe this is happening. Not everyone gets this opportunity. I will never take it for granted. I will cherish it. I will take it seriously. I will enjoy every single minute of it. I am so thankful.
Two years, four months and one day ago Addi started daycare. One year and 27 days ago Brogan started daycare. Countless tears were shed during this time (not by them, by me). Leaving them never really became easier. My heart hurt. I missed them. I didn’t want to be at work. And now, here I am…finally about to bear the title I’ve longed to have for so long, I will be a Stay-At-Home-Mom!!!
God, You are good. You were good through the pain. You were good through the stress and chaos. You were good when I wasn’t good to You. I was mad at You. You listened to my frustrations and then You would comfort me. How I must have pained You. Yet, You were faithful when I was unfaithful. Faithful you will stay.
Jared, You are an incredible husband. Aside from God, you bore the brunt of my frustrations. I hurt you. I was mean – horribly mean. I was so angry. You didn’t deserve it. You persevered. You remained steady. You worked even harder. You didn’t give up…on me or on my dream. God made this possible, but He used you to help make this possible. Now, I get to help make your life a little easier (no more dishes and vacuuming for you!) I am forever grateful.
Two weeks to go. In some ways it’s felt like an eternity getting here, in some ways it still feels like an eternity to get there. Two weeks until the next journey in our lives begin. I cannot wait!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Bones, Beach, Blechs...
Since this is a blog that I hope will serve as somewhat of a journal for our children, I feel I need to mention that Brogan fractured his leg last month. How? We have no idea. In fact, he didn't start showing signs of limping until it had already started healing. I felt like the worst mommy ever when we took him in for an x-ray and they said, "He has a fracture. It appears to be about two weeks old and is already healing." Anyway, no cast was needed and on August 8th, he received a clear bill of health. I am now paranoid that he is going to fracture it again, or fracture something else. Every time he falls (which is a lot...he likes to dive off of furniture, run into things, etc), I cringe.
We had a phenomenal time on our beach vacation! Addi and Brogan LOVED the ocean!! A few memories, I hope to always remember:
1. The first time the children saw the ocean. I was trying to keep my expectations low because I thought it might scare them a little bit at first. It did not. They ran right in. Brogan had the water hit his face at least three times and just laughed. When the water hit Addi's face, she would throw her head back and look at the sky and yell, "Eww, yucky!!" All while giggling, of course. I had NO idea I would be so overcome with emotion. I stepped back for a minute and watched Jared play with both kids and I cried. I thanked God right there for the opportunity to experience something so wonderful with our children. When we were at the beach a little over three years ago, we didn't even think I'd be able to have children and to see our two babies playing and laughing completely blessed my soul.
2. The first morning we were at the beach, Addi and I went for a walk. It was early and no one was really in the water yet. Addi picked up on this and decided she didn't want to be in the water either. When it came near her, she looked at the ocean, pointed her finger and said, "No ma'am, Ocean!" This amused everyone around us. I politely told her that I was glad she had such confidence, but that only God could command the ocean. ;)
3. Boats - We took a boat ride on the Cape Fear river as well as a Ferry ride to Southport. I'm not sure if the kids were as excited as I was, but they definitely enjoyed them. :)
4. We went to the Christmas Shop in Southport. Love it there! Addi loved the candy shop and suckered daddy into getting her more than he originally had planned to.
5. We allowed the kids to have way more ice cream than we normally allow. In fact, they've never had their own bowl of ice cream before this trip. One day when we were headed to get some, the following conversation occurred:
Addi: I want ice cream.
Me: I know you do. We will get some shortly.
Addi: I don't want shortly, I want ice cream.
6. The kids were so social. I knew they were both pretty social any way, but I was amazed at how both of them told so many people, "Hi!" I felt sorry for the people who had dogs...they didn't just get greeted by hello's. Brogan would run straight up to them yelling, "dog, dog!"
7. The car ride to and from the beach was four hours. The kids did great!!
8. Since we had not taken a week vacation since before Addi was born, Jared and I had to adjust to how vacations will be for the next couple decades. We didn't mind this at all...it was just weird not being on our own time table. We truly enjoyed the time we got to spend on our deck at night looking at the ocean and talking while our babies slept. Though it was a crazy, hectic vacation at times, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We love our new normal. :)
Anyway, we came back to reality last Saturday. We were all sad. So sad that the kids and I went outside and played in the water for an hour. This past week was crazy as always. Brogan got a stomach bug on Tuesday, Addi followed suit on Thursday, I succombed to it on Friday night, and now Jared is feeling achy. Blech. Oh well, at least we didn't get sick while we were on vacation.
Here's to another week...it's going to be a VERY exciting one! More details to come on Monday evening!!! :) Until that time, have a great week! :)
We had a phenomenal time on our beach vacation! Addi and Brogan LOVED the ocean!! A few memories, I hope to always remember:
1. The first time the children saw the ocean. I was trying to keep my expectations low because I thought it might scare them a little bit at first. It did not. They ran right in. Brogan had the water hit his face at least three times and just laughed. When the water hit Addi's face, she would throw her head back and look at the sky and yell, "Eww, yucky!!" All while giggling, of course. I had NO idea I would be so overcome with emotion. I stepped back for a minute and watched Jared play with both kids and I cried. I thanked God right there for the opportunity to experience something so wonderful with our children. When we were at the beach a little over three years ago, we didn't even think I'd be able to have children and to see our two babies playing and laughing completely blessed my soul.
2. The first morning we were at the beach, Addi and I went for a walk. It was early and no one was really in the water yet. Addi picked up on this and decided she didn't want to be in the water either. When it came near her, she looked at the ocean, pointed her finger and said, "No ma'am, Ocean!" This amused everyone around us. I politely told her that I was glad she had such confidence, but that only God could command the ocean. ;)
3. Boats - We took a boat ride on the Cape Fear river as well as a Ferry ride to Southport. I'm not sure if the kids were as excited as I was, but they definitely enjoyed them. :)
4. We went to the Christmas Shop in Southport. Love it there! Addi loved the candy shop and suckered daddy into getting her more than he originally had planned to.
5. We allowed the kids to have way more ice cream than we normally allow. In fact, they've never had their own bowl of ice cream before this trip. One day when we were headed to get some, the following conversation occurred:
Addi: I want ice cream.
Me: I know you do. We will get some shortly.
Addi: I don't want shortly, I want ice cream.
6. The kids were so social. I knew they were both pretty social any way, but I was amazed at how both of them told so many people, "Hi!" I felt sorry for the people who had dogs...they didn't just get greeted by hello's. Brogan would run straight up to them yelling, "dog, dog!"
7. The car ride to and from the beach was four hours. The kids did great!!
8. Since we had not taken a week vacation since before Addi was born, Jared and I had to adjust to how vacations will be for the next couple decades. We didn't mind this at all...it was just weird not being on our own time table. We truly enjoyed the time we got to spend on our deck at night looking at the ocean and talking while our babies slept. Though it was a crazy, hectic vacation at times, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We love our new normal. :)
Anyway, we came back to reality last Saturday. We were all sad. So sad that the kids and I went outside and played in the water for an hour. This past week was crazy as always. Brogan got a stomach bug on Tuesday, Addi followed suit on Thursday, I succombed to it on Friday night, and now Jared is feeling achy. Blech. Oh well, at least we didn't get sick while we were on vacation.
Here's to another week...it's going to be a VERY exciting one! More details to come on Monday evening!!! :) Until that time, have a great week! :)
Saturday, August 4, 2012
The Journey of A Thousand Miles...
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I don’t know who said that. I googled it and apparently there is some conflicting opinions on the originator of this quote. This much I know…it was someone in China…at least that seems to be the general consensus.
Anyway, I have been thinking of this quote a lot lately. I know you are dying to know the reason (haha). I can’t say yet. It’s a secret (and no, not a baby secret). Speaking of babies…after you have one, or two and they are only 14.5 months apart, the following conversations happen a lot:
Me: I’m really tired today.
Person B: Do you think you’re pregnant?
Me: I’m not feeling very well.
Person B: Do you think you’re pregnant?
Me: I have great news!
Person B: Are you pregnant?
Me: My daughter is 2, my son is 1.
Person B: So, are you planning on having another one soon?
One thing I learned during my infertility journey is that people are absolutely crazy and insensitive when it comes to the topic of having children. You don’t just go up to someone and say, “So, when are you getting out of debt?” Yet it’s OK to ask a couple about something as private as the decision to have children? Not cool….even if the couple is just married and you know without a shadow of a doubt that they do not want children…NEVER ask that question!
It’s also not OK to ask someone if they planned to have their children so close together in age. I get asked this question quite a bit from people who I don’t even know. They’ll see me in the store with one toddler hanging out of the cart and the other toddler screaming because he is hungry and this will happen:
Person B: They are so cute!
Me: Thank you (while trying to smile sweetly, stick a paci in Brogan’s mouth and prevent Addi from jumping out of the cart).
Person B: How old are they?
Me: 1 and 2.
Person B: Wow, you have your hands full! (As if they really needed to tell me that at the present moment) Did you plan it that way?
Me: No, but I didn’t plan to deal with infertility before my daughter was born and after she was born someone forgot to tell my ovaries that it was time to close up shop for a little while.
OK…I don’t really say that last line, but seriously?!? Is it really your business when you don’t even know me???
Usually, I just look at them, ignore their stupid question and say, “Yeah, it’s a bit crazy, but we are so blessed!”
And blessed we are. So, to bring this post full circle…we are blessed because….Well, I have to make you wait, but just remember:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Anyway, I have been thinking of this quote a lot lately. I know you are dying to know the reason (haha). I can’t say yet. It’s a secret (and no, not a baby secret). Speaking of babies…after you have one, or two and they are only 14.5 months apart, the following conversations happen a lot:
Me: I’m really tired today.
Person B: Do you think you’re pregnant?
Me: I’m not feeling very well.
Person B: Do you think you’re pregnant?
Me: I have great news!
Person B: Are you pregnant?
Me: My daughter is 2, my son is 1.
Person B: So, are you planning on having another one soon?
One thing I learned during my infertility journey is that people are absolutely crazy and insensitive when it comes to the topic of having children. You don’t just go up to someone and say, “So, when are you getting out of debt?” Yet it’s OK to ask a couple about something as private as the decision to have children? Not cool….even if the couple is just married and you know without a shadow of a doubt that they do not want children…NEVER ask that question!
It’s also not OK to ask someone if they planned to have their children so close together in age. I get asked this question quite a bit from people who I don’t even know. They’ll see me in the store with one toddler hanging out of the cart and the other toddler screaming because he is hungry and this will happen:
Person B: They are so cute!
Me: Thank you (while trying to smile sweetly, stick a paci in Brogan’s mouth and prevent Addi from jumping out of the cart).
Person B: How old are they?
Me: 1 and 2.
Person B: Wow, you have your hands full! (As if they really needed to tell me that at the present moment) Did you plan it that way?
Me: No, but I didn’t plan to deal with infertility before my daughter was born and after she was born someone forgot to tell my ovaries that it was time to close up shop for a little while.
OK…I don’t really say that last line, but seriously?!? Is it really your business when you don’t even know me???
Usually, I just look at them, ignore their stupid question and say, “Yeah, it’s a bit crazy, but we are so blessed!”
And blessed we are. So, to bring this post full circle…we are blessed because….Well, I have to make you wait, but just remember:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Keeping It Real
Dear Addi and Brogan,
This weekend was tough. I have a sinus infection and am feeling crummy. Your daddy had to work pretty much the whole weekend. We are tired...not just tired, weary. Life is just plain tough right now. So I apologize for the times I got frustrated and raised my voice. I did it a few times this weekend. I'm sorry I yelled at your dad in front of you - something I told myself I'd never do. I'm sorry I fed you chicken nuggets for dinner last night (and not the healthy, baked kind I make from chicken breasts...the crappy, processed kind that are really not good for you at all.) I rocked dinner tonight at least. ;) I'm sorry I let you entertain yourselves far too much and kept the TV on in hopes that it would entertain you. I'm sorry the laundry isn't done, the living room is a mess and preparations for this coming week have not happened. I'm just so sorry for it all.
I'm not sorry though that I have these moments that show you that I am human. I am helpless. I have NOTHING to offer without Christ. It's because of Him that I strive to do better every day. So, while the two of you sleep sweetly tonight, I have prayed and will continue to pray that God will be glorified in every thing I do - especially in being your mom and your amazing dad's wife. I pray you never doubt my love for Christ, my love for your daddy or my love for you. I pray even when I mess up royally - which I know I will do again - that you will see a work in progress. As tears flow down my face as I type this, please know that I promise to be the best I possibly can be as a nurturer. You two are such a blessing!
My hope is that you don't even remember the rough times we had this weekend. Instead I hope you remember the times I hugged you (which were lots), the several dozen times I read to you (Brogan is seriously going through a phase of wanting to be read to...all.the.time), the songs we sing together over and over again, the way you, Addi got to stay up late to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony (even though you fell asleep before 9:30) :), the times we chased each other all over the house, our family dinner times where we laughed and played together as a family, getting to play in the water outside, watching daddy mow the lawn and all the "I love yous" that we all told each other. When I think of it like that - this weekend was really not bad!
I love you both so much...Addi, you are my Babycakes...and Brogan, you are my Handsome Boy! And, though I know those nicknames will one day embarrass you...I pray my love for you never does.
Thank you both for being amazing!!
Love,
Mommy
Friday, July 27, 2012
Two Christmases!
The Summer Olympics are almost here!!! I am so excited! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them! My passion for them began when I was 3 or 4 years old and has only grown since. It's like having a second Christmas this year!
Anyway, tonight is the Opening Ceremony and I have already confirmed with my sister that we will call each other promptly at 7:00 to watch the ceremony together. :)
Enjoy your weekend...watch something to do with The Olympics, hug lots, relax and go to church! :)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Phone Update
Quick phone update...it was found by a sweet couple that contacted us on Monday. We were able to pick it up at their house. ALL my pictures and videos were still on the phone. So VERY thankful!!!! :)
Have a blessed week!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Lies Straight from the Pit of Hell
At least once a day, I tell Addi the following:
You are beautiful!
You are sweet!
You are amazing!
You are silly! (She LOVES it when I say this.)
You are kind.
You are good.
You are funny! (She LOVES this one, too)
You are amazing!
You are pretty!
And, Mommy loves you sooooo MUCH! (She chimes in on the “much”)
And, you are my most favorite girl! (She chimes in on the “favorite girl”)
I tell her these things because they are so true. I tell her these things because I want her to know them deep down in her soul. I tell her these things because I want her to never, ever forget how incredible she is.
Somewhere along life’s way, I started telling myself the exact opposite of these things. If it was considered a “gift,” I would be gifted in being critical of myself. I have been for years and mommy-hood has made it WAY worse. I need to stop. If I were to look in the mirror and tell myself the lies the devil tries to tell me it would sound something like this:
You are ugly.
You will always be fat.
You are a failure.
You are an awful wife.
You have already ruined your children.
You are a terrible mother.
You are a disgrace to the kingdom of God.
You are unlovable.
You are unlikeable.
You are a loser.
You will never amount to anything.
You don’t deserve happiness.
You are a poor excuse for a (fill in the blank)…Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee and on and on.
God doesn’t love you: How can He?
Truth is, NONE of it is true. Yet, I feed into at least a few of these lies every single day. So here is my response to these horrid lies.
You are ugly. – Not true. I am a beautiful child of the King, created just the way that He wanted me to be.
You will always be fat. – A big FAT lie that I started believing when I was a size 4 thanks to words spoken by my own father - who was dealing with a failed marriage that was his fault - (Parents…be careful what you say to your children!!). Truth is, I need to lose some weight. Truth is, I’m not as fat as I think I am.
You are a failure. – Really??? I don’t even need to start with an argument here. Truth is, I’m an overcomer.
You are an awful wife. – Jared says different and he doesn’t lie. I could be better (who couldn’t be better to their spouse), but we have a happy marriage and I adore that man of mine.
You have already ruined your children. – I have ruined my children by working to help provide for their needs? I think not. They are in a safe, Christian daycare that they love being taught by people who love them. Ideal? Nope. Ruined? Nope.
You are a terrible mother. – I have to laugh at this lie. I totally know this is not true. I am a great mommy. Sure I have my blunders and I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I LOVE my children fiercely. They absolutely know that their mommy loves them.
You are a disgrace to the kingdom of God. – I’ve made my mistakes. I don’t pray enough. I don’t read enough. I’m not a disgrace; I’m a human. A human created by a loving God who leads me along life’s way.
You are unlovable. – Not to God. Not to my husband. Not to my kids. Not to my family.
You are unlikeable. – I know this isn’t true unless the people who like to spend time with me are just doing it to feel sorry for me.
You are a loser. – Not at all. I am determined. I don’t give up on the important things.
You will never amount to anything. – While I’m not in the career field of my dreams, I’ve done well for myself.
You don’t deserve happiness. – Do any of us really deserve happiness? We expect it because we are spoiled, but we don’t deserve it any more than the person who is laying in a hospital bed fighting for their life. Truth is, we don’t deserve happiness, but God will willingly fill us with His joy. Joy is far better than happiness.
You are a poor excuse for a (fill in the blank)…Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee and on and on. - Not so. I care deeply. I love deeply. I do the best I can.
God doesn’t love you: How can He? - So not true. All I need to do is read the word to combat this lie.
I contemplated even posting this post because it’s not a la-da-dee, la-dee-da type of post. It’s harsh. It's a bit embarrassing to post. Unfortunately, it’s been my reality and I'm ready to get rid of this part of my life. These awful lies have held me back on so many levels and I REFUSE to let them keep holding me back. It sickens my stomach to think of what I have not done, the opportunities I have missed out on, the countless hours I have spent in misery because of these stupid lies. I need to change for myself,for Jared and so that I can be the role model I so desparately want to be for our beautiful kids. So now that I’ve put this out here, I feel like I can start moving on.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a very important meeting with two precious children. We’re going to rock the house down with, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.” :)
You are beautiful!
You are sweet!
You are amazing!
You are silly! (She LOVES it when I say this.)
You are kind.
You are good.
You are funny! (She LOVES this one, too)
You are amazing!
You are pretty!
And, Mommy loves you sooooo MUCH! (She chimes in on the “much”)
And, you are my most favorite girl! (She chimes in on the “favorite girl”)
I tell her these things because they are so true. I tell her these things because I want her to know them deep down in her soul. I tell her these things because I want her to never, ever forget how incredible she is.
Somewhere along life’s way, I started telling myself the exact opposite of these things. If it was considered a “gift,” I would be gifted in being critical of myself. I have been for years and mommy-hood has made it WAY worse. I need to stop. If I were to look in the mirror and tell myself the lies the devil tries to tell me it would sound something like this:
You are ugly.
You will always be fat.
You are a failure.
You are an awful wife.
You have already ruined your children.
You are a terrible mother.
You are a disgrace to the kingdom of God.
You are unlovable.
You are unlikeable.
You are a loser.
You will never amount to anything.
You don’t deserve happiness.
You are a poor excuse for a (fill in the blank)…Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee and on and on.
God doesn’t love you: How can He?
Truth is, NONE of it is true. Yet, I feed into at least a few of these lies every single day. So here is my response to these horrid lies.
You are ugly. – Not true. I am a beautiful child of the King, created just the way that He wanted me to be.
You will always be fat. – A big FAT lie that I started believing when I was a size 4 thanks to words spoken by my own father - who was dealing with a failed marriage that was his fault - (Parents…be careful what you say to your children!!). Truth is, I need to lose some weight. Truth is, I’m not as fat as I think I am.
You are a failure. – Really??? I don’t even need to start with an argument here. Truth is, I’m an overcomer.
You are an awful wife. – Jared says different and he doesn’t lie. I could be better (who couldn’t be better to their spouse), but we have a happy marriage and I adore that man of mine.
You have already ruined your children. – I have ruined my children by working to help provide for their needs? I think not. They are in a safe, Christian daycare that they love being taught by people who love them. Ideal? Nope. Ruined? Nope.
You are a terrible mother. – I have to laugh at this lie. I totally know this is not true. I am a great mommy. Sure I have my blunders and I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I LOVE my children fiercely. They absolutely know that their mommy loves them.
You are a disgrace to the kingdom of God. – I’ve made my mistakes. I don’t pray enough. I don’t read enough. I’m not a disgrace; I’m a human. A human created by a loving God who leads me along life’s way.
You are unlovable. – Not to God. Not to my husband. Not to my kids. Not to my family.
You are unlikeable. – I know this isn’t true unless the people who like to spend time with me are just doing it to feel sorry for me.
You are a loser. – Not at all. I am determined. I don’t give up on the important things.
You will never amount to anything. – While I’m not in the career field of my dreams, I’ve done well for myself.
You don’t deserve happiness. – Do any of us really deserve happiness? We expect it because we are spoiled, but we don’t deserve it any more than the person who is laying in a hospital bed fighting for their life. Truth is, we don’t deserve happiness, but God will willingly fill us with His joy. Joy is far better than happiness.
You are a poor excuse for a (fill in the blank)…Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee and on and on. - Not so. I care deeply. I love deeply. I do the best I can.
God doesn’t love you: How can He? - So not true. All I need to do is read the word to combat this lie.
I contemplated even posting this post because it’s not a la-da-dee, la-dee-da type of post. It’s harsh. It's a bit embarrassing to post. Unfortunately, it’s been my reality and I'm ready to get rid of this part of my life. These awful lies have held me back on so many levels and I REFUSE to let them keep holding me back. It sickens my stomach to think of what I have not done, the opportunities I have missed out on, the countless hours I have spent in misery because of these stupid lies. I need to change for myself,for Jared and so that I can be the role model I so desparately want to be for our beautiful kids. So now that I’ve put this out here, I feel like I can start moving on.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a very important meeting with two precious children. We’re going to rock the house down with, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.” :)
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