A Reminder to Myself

It's always easy when faced with a trial to forget to look at past trials that God worked out beautifully. As a reminder to myself, I am posting a blog that I wrote on 6/26/09, but that I never posted. I didn't post it for several reasons...the main being that the blog is a very revealing post of my deepest, rawest emotions (some emotions that I'm really not proud of) during our journey to have a child. I had no idea when writing this blog, that God had already begun a work in my body and that a month and 4 days later I would find out that I was pregnant.

INFERTILE...I don't know if there is another word in all of the english language that is so ugly. I am infertile (at least for now). What does that mean? For now it means putting my biggest, longest dream on hold. It means cringing when people ask when we're going to have a child. It means wanting to scream when people are insensitive to what's going on (though most don't even know we're struggling). It means pretending the tears I cry at a baby dedication are tears of joy for the parents. It means feeling guilty because there are times I am envious of those who have children. It means wanting to smack some people across the face when they complain about having a bad day with their children. It means wondering why me, why out of all of my friends, I seem to be the one to have to carry this burden. It means feeling inadequate and unfeminine knowing that my body can't be part of creating a miracle. It means getting angry with God once in a while and then quickly crying out to Him in despair. It means hurting worse than I have ever hurt before. It means being scared that when people we love find out about this that they will judge me. It means wondering if there are times my husband wishes that he had married someone else...someone who could give him a son or a daughter to hold in his arms. It means questioning every thing I buy because each purchase is less money to put in savings for adoption. It means hiding behind a smile more often than I'm not these days. It means times of feeling so lonely I want to run to the closest insane asylum. It means wanting to wake up from a very bad dream and realizing daily that this nightmare is very much a real part of my life.



On the other hand...


It means hope. Hope that God will bless me like he did Hannah and Sarah in the Bible. Hope that because Jared and I have had to face this, we will be stronger and more sensitive to the needs of those around us. It means assurance. Assurance that God will grant me my heart's desires if I delight to do His will. It means joy. Joy in knowing that I have a Heavenly Father who puts my tears in a bottle and holds me close to His heart. It means healing. Healing from this pain and allowing God to mend my broken heart. It means awe. Awe that God is allowing me to deal with this because He knows I am strong enough to handle it. It means love. Love that grows daily for God, for my husband and for the child I will one day hold in my arms.