Keeping It Real

Dear Addi and Brogan, This weekend was tough. I have a sinus infection and am feeling crummy. Your daddy had to work pretty much the whole weekend. We are tired...not just tired, weary. Life is just plain tough right now. So I apologize for the times I got frustrated and raised my voice. I did it a few times this weekend. I'm sorry I yelled at your dad in front of you - something I told myself I'd never do. I'm sorry I fed you chicken nuggets for dinner last night (and not the healthy, baked kind I make from chicken breasts...the crappy, processed kind that are really not good for you at all.) I rocked dinner tonight at least. ;) I'm sorry I let you entertain yourselves far too much and kept the TV on in hopes that it would entertain you. I'm sorry the laundry isn't done, the living room is a mess and preparations for this coming week have not happened. I'm just so sorry for it all. I'm not sorry though that I have these moments that show you that I am human. I am helpless. I have NOTHING to offer without Christ. It's because of Him that I strive to do better every day. So, while the two of you sleep sweetly tonight, I have prayed and will continue to pray that God will be glorified in every thing I do - especially in being your mom and your amazing dad's wife. I pray you never doubt my love for Christ, my love for your daddy or my love for you. I pray even when I mess up royally - which I know I will do again - that you will see a work in progress. As tears flow down my face as I type this, please know that I promise to be the best I possibly can be as a nurturer. You two are such a blessing! My hope is that you don't even remember the rough times we had this weekend. Instead I hope you remember the times I hugged you (which were lots), the several dozen times I read to you (Brogan is seriously going through a phase of wanting to be read to...all.the.time), the songs we sing together over and over again, the way you, Addi got to stay up late to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony (even though you fell asleep before 9:30) :), the times we chased each other all over the house, our family dinner times where we laughed and played together as a family, getting to play in the water outside, watching daddy mow the lawn and all the "I love yous" that we all told each other. When I think of it like that - this weekend was really not bad! I love you both so much...Addi, you are my Babycakes...and Brogan, you are my Handsome Boy! And, though I know those nicknames will one day embarrass you...I pray my love for you never does. Thank you both for being amazing!! Love, Mommy

Two Christmases!

The Summer Olympics are almost here!!! I am so excited! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them! My passion for them began when I was 3 or 4 years old and has only grown since. It's like having a second Christmas this year! Anyway, tonight is the Opening Ceremony and I have already confirmed with my sister that we will call each other promptly at 7:00 to watch the ceremony together. :) Enjoy your weekend...watch something to do with The Olympics, hug lots, relax and go to church! :)

Phone Update

Quick phone update...it was found by a sweet couple that contacted us on Monday. We were able to pick it up at their house. ALL my pictures and videos were still on the phone. So VERY thankful!!!! :) Have a blessed week!

Lies Straight from the Pit of Hell

At least once a day, I tell Addi the following:

You are beautiful!

You are sweet!

You are amazing!

You are silly! (She LOVES it when I say this.)

You are kind.

You are good.

You are funny! (She LOVES this one, too)

You are amazing!

You are pretty!

And, Mommy loves you sooooo MUCH! (She chimes in on the “much”)

And, you are my most favorite girl! (She chimes in on the “favorite girl”)

I tell her these things because they are so true.  I tell her these things because I want her to know them deep down in her soul.  I tell her these things because I want her to never, ever forget how incredible she is. 
Somewhere along life’s way, I started telling myself the exact opposite of these things. If it was considered a “gift,” I would be gifted in being critical of myself. I have been for years and mommy-hood has made it WAY worse. I need to stop. If I were to look in the mirror and tell myself the lies the devil tries to tell me it would sound something like this:

You are ugly.

You will always be fat.

You are a failure.

You are an awful wife.

You have already ruined your children.

You are a terrible mother.

You are a disgrace to the kingdom of God.

You are unlovable.

You are unlikeable.

You are a loser.

You will never amount to anything.

You don’t deserve happiness.

You are a poor excuse for a (fill in the blank)…Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee and on and on.

God doesn’t love you: How can He?

Truth is, NONE of it is true. Yet, I feed into at least a few of these lies every single day. So here is my response to these horrid lies.

You are ugly. – Not true. I am a beautiful child of the King, created just the way that He wanted me to be.

You will always be fat. – A big FAT lie that I started believing when I was a size 4 thanks to words spoken by my own father - who was dealing with a failed marriage that was his fault - (Parents…be careful what you say to your children!!). Truth is, I need to lose some weight. Truth is, I’m not as fat as I think I am.

You are a failure. – Really??? I don’t even need to start with an argument here. Truth is, I’m an overcomer.

You are an awful wife. – Jared says different and he doesn’t lie. I could be better (who couldn’t be better to their spouse), but we have a happy marriage and I adore that man of mine.

You have already ruined your children. – I have ruined my children by working to help provide for their needs? I think not. They are in a safe, Christian daycare that they love being taught by people who love them. Ideal? Nope. Ruined? Nope.

You are a terrible mother. – I have to laugh at this lie. I totally know this is not true. I am a great mommy. Sure I have my blunders and I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I LOVE my children fiercely. They absolutely know that their mommy loves them.

You are a disgrace to the kingdom of God. – I’ve made my mistakes. I don’t pray enough. I don’t read enough. I’m not a disgrace; I’m a human. A human created by a loving God who leads me along life’s way.

You are unlovable. – Not to God. Not to my husband. Not to my kids. Not to my family.

You are unlikeable. – I know this isn’t true unless the people who like to spend time with me are just doing it to feel sorry for me.

You are a loser. – Not at all. I am determined. I don’t give up on the important things.

You will never amount to anything. – While I’m not in the career field of my dreams, I’ve done well for myself.

You don’t deserve happiness. – Do any of us really deserve happiness? We expect it because we are spoiled, but we don’t deserve it any more than the person who is laying in a hospital bed fighting for their life. Truth is, we don’t deserve happiness, but God will willingly fill us with His joy. Joy is far better than happiness.

You are a poor excuse for a (fill in the blank)…Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee and on and on. - Not so. I care deeply. I love deeply. I do the best I can.

God doesn’t love you: How can He? - So not true. All I need to do is read the word to combat this lie.

I contemplated even posting this post because it’s not a la-da-dee, la-dee-da type of post. It’s harsh. It's a bit embarrassing to post. Unfortunately, it’s been my reality and I'm ready to get rid of this part of my life. These awful lies have held me back on so many levels and I REFUSE to let them keep holding me back. It sickens my stomach to think of what I have not done, the opportunities I have missed out on, the countless hours I have spent in misery because of these stupid lies. I need to change for myself,for Jared and so that I can be the role model I so desparately want to be for our beautiful kids. So now that I’ve put this out here, I feel like I can start moving on.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a very important meeting with two precious children. We’re going to rock the house down with, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.” :)

Goodbye, Cellphone

For those of you who read this and have seen my Facebook status, you will know that last night I lost my phone. Thankfully, it’s not an expensive phone, but the memories that are contained within that phone are priceless. I have countless pictures and videos of the kids going as far back as June of last year – most of which were on a memory card, so I had not downloaded. I am crushed. So many memories gone, just like that. Reality is that I probably won’t get the phone back: I hate to be a pessimist, but I lost it in a very public place and it could be anywhere.

As upset as I am, this morning it hit me that the pictures and videos are just memories that I would like to look back on throughout my life, but right now, I am blessed to have more memories to make with my sweet family. I am keenly aware that there are so many people who ONLY have their past memories because they had to bury their children or their spouse. Some people don’t have memories because they are still eagerly anticipating getting married or becoming a parent. So, I am choosing not to dwell on this more. Today I have my precious babies and my amazing husband and that’s enough for me.

Two side notes pertaining to this ordeal:

Jared was so caring and so wonderful when I told him I lost my phone. He held me while I cried and then drove over to the store and retraced my steps, hoping to find it for me. He never once complained about the money that it will take to replace the phone. That is a sweet husband!!

While I was crying, Addi grabbed a baby wipe and said, “Here, Mommy!” and started to wipe my face. She let me hug her for as long as I wanted to because she could tell her mommy was sad. She also emptied out the entire contents of my purse saying that she was looking for “my mommy’s phone.” She got a little distracted by the lipstick, but I can understand that. :)

PS…I was feeling bad that I prayed and asked for prayer over a lost phone. I know God has WAY more important things to worry about than giving me back my phone. I also know that He cares about the stuff that matters to us. This matters to me. While He hasn’t answered my prayer exactly the way I want, He has given me peace, which is actually EXACTLY what I need. That’s what I love about God…He knows me far better than I know myself.

To My Baby Boy

Dear Brogan,

Monday morning, you threw your first “real” fit…over a banana. This included rolling all over the ground, kicking your legs wildly and screaming, no shrieking, as loudly as you possibly could. You wanted the world to know you were mad. Daddy and I were shocked. You are somewhat mild-mannered and usually leave the fit throwing to your sister. I guess you had enough yesterday though. You had inhaled your banana and you were so upset that you couldn’t eat your sister’s banana, too. This is just another sign that you are part monkey. I must say, I am quite impressed your first fit was thrown on a Monday morning. If you’re going to throw a fit, that’s the time to do it. Mommy has trained you well.

You are doing great in your new class at daycare! After the first two initial weeks of adjusting – which included getting bronchitis, a sinus infection, roseola and a HUGE scrape on your head from falling (not once, but twice on the same day) – you’ve done great! You are the smallest child in this class, but probably the loudest (at least when it comes to wanting to eat). You don’t let anyone mess with you, not even your teachers if you don’t want them to. I think this is a survival skill you’ve learned as a result of having Addi as a sister. The girl loves to knock you down at random times. We told her today that if she wants to be a princess and a big girl, she must stop. We’ll see if that works.

At your one year check-up, you were in the 30th – 40th percentile for weight and 90th for height. This will be great for you as you grow older, but it makes it tough to dress you right now! Nine month pants are too short, but 12 month pants are too big in the waist and fall off you. As a result, you wear a lot of jumpers. This works well for me. I like to dress you preppy and that’s my perfect excuse. I wonder how many years I can get away with doing this?

You are a funny boy. You love to do silly stuff to make all of us laugh. If you do something that makes us smile, you do it over and over again. Your newest thing…you walk around saying, “Burp!” You think this is hilarious. Your sister does, too. You also love to say, “Quaaaaaack!” All.the.time. I guess it’s safe to say, you quack me up. (Lame joke, I know). :)

You have lots of nicknames. Your sister still calls you, “Buddy.” Your daddy and I do, too. So does everyone at your daycare (well the kids, not the teacher. Except for Lynn…she’s your teacher and your babysitter so she has special privileges). Of course, you’re also referred to as “Squeaky” by your daddy. He calls you that because sometimes when you’re excited, you squeal and it sounds like a squeak. Sometimes your whining sounds like that, too. So now, you’re “Squeaky” to daddy and Addi. That’s right, she says it all the time. :) You’re also called, “Sir,” “Brogie,” “Mr. Malogie,” and “Bro.” Sorry about the Mr. Malogie name…that’s courtesy of yours truly. I wonder what you’ll respond with when people start asking you your name.

You have a piece of my heart that is meant only for you. You are my sweet baby boy. Words cannot express what you mean to me. So I try to tell you in hugs, kisses, tickles and giggles every day. I love you so much!!!

Love, Mommy

Bubbles and Applesauce

Today Addi asked to blow bubbles. I rarely do this because usually it turns it to a session of me telling her, "No, you can't hold the bubble bottle" and, "You have to blow on the wand, not try to put it in your mouth." Addi's temper tantrums usually accompany these statements. In an effort to live life to its fullest as much as possible, I decided to let her hold the bottle full of bubbles today. I mean really, it's a bottle of bubbles, not expensive or toxic if she spills or eats it. Yes, she spilled some of the bubbles and yes, she tasted it and thankfully, decided it was gross. However, had I not let her do these two things, I would have missed out on one of the greatest moments of the weekend. Addi learned how to blow bubbles properly and LOVED it!! She was so proud of herself and the more I cheered her on, the more her face would light up. Brogan joined in on the fun - puckering his lips and blowing, and yelling, "POP!" as he clapped his hands together whenever a bubble would come near him. (Sidenote: He seriously the cutest little blonde haired boy I've ever seen!) At one point, Addi blew a huge bubble and I started laughing, which turned into fits of giggles between all three of us. Being a little dramatic, I laughed once and slapped my knee as if it was hysterical. Addi started doing the same thing and Brogan followed suit. :) Unfortunately, Jared had to miss out on the fun due to work, but Addi made sure to include him by randomly yelling, "Jared's funny!" Not sure what made her say that, or call him Jared, but it was super cute. :) Anyway, after 45 minutes of bubble blowing fun, we moved on to snack time. I gave the kids their applesauce and started to clean (which is what I typically do when the kids are contained at the table eating). Before I picked up the first item, I decided that instead of cleaning, I was going to enjoy some applesauce with the kiddos. Addi's lit up once again as she saw me sit down to join them. More fun ensued as we ate our applesauce and talked and played at the table. At one point, I got teary-eyed thinking about how blessed I am to be able to spend such priceless moments with these beautiful gifts from God. I promised myself to allow the kids have more opportunities to make messes in an effort to learn something new and to enjoy more snack times with my sweet babies while I can. Bubbles and Applesauce...who knew the memories they could make. :)